Brothers.

The boys are finally getting to the place where they can actually play together (versus Gray ripping everything away from the LM, and the LM using Gray as his personal wrestling toy) and I, for one, couldn't be happier. I used to worry so much about what having another baby would mean for the quality of life of the LM, but now I  can't imagine what his life would look like if he wasn't a big brother. Sure, he's lost a lot of our attention along the way, but I now realize that he's gained so much more. I just can't wait to sit back and watch the relationship that will continue to develop between my two loves, for the rest of my lifetime.

Today thing #1, was teaching thing #2 how to roll marbles around in a circle. Totally random, and totally heart melting at the same time. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I feel, that every day I get to wake up and be the mom of these little guys. 

 

Anxious.

First off I can't thank ALL of you enough for your kinds words, prayers, and congratulations!!!! I can't even begin to explain to you what that outpouring of love has meant to us, and the fact that so many of you have been through this lengthy journey with me from the beginning makes me feel truly blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I didn't post yesterday because I really wasn't sure what I was feeling. Immediately upon hearing the news, Tuesday, I felt a wave of relief. Pure and utter relief. Relief that I would never ever have to think about trying to conceive, ovulation, IVF, pregnancy tests, waiting and wishing, all of it. Honestly, the only thing I can compare it to was the day I got my bar results, that feeling of being so done with something that you worked so hard for, and knowing that you would never EVER have to think about it again.

I began to notice yesterday that the feeling of relief was quickly being replaced by one of anxiety. Within minutes of sharing my news I received more than a few emails and texts from friends, who themselves were expecting, and who were waiting to share the wonderful news with me until I had some of my own to pass on. (Which by the way is amazingly considerate and something I never would have asked for, but greatly appreciate.) While this news made me so unbelievably excited, it also reminded me that there is no guarantee that this baby is going to make it through the long haul. All I can think about was what happened last time, when we went to hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks and there was nothing there. What if that happens again, and what if, just like last time, I'm the only one who doesn't have a baby in the end? I feel like we have come so far, but in reality we are only at the beginning. What if we have to start all over? These questions have driven me crazy the past 48 hours. I have been analyzing every twitch, pain, wondering if the fact that I am not sick (yes, I realize this doesn't usually happen yet) means that something is wrong. My stomach is so large from the progesterone, and I can't help but keep wondering if there really is a baby in there. Something which I ask my husband about 100 times a day (sorry babe.)

I realize that all of this is out of my control, but I am finding it really hard to turn off all of the noise in my head. I keep reminding myself that we had an almost perfect embryo put in, and that because it happened last time is no indication that it will happen again. I keep thinking of all the people I know who have had perfect and healthy pregnancies, and the fact that I have actually had a perfect and healthy pregnancy, and I know that there is no reason why anything will go wrong. That is what I keep telling myself, now I realize I just have to start believing it.

As anxious as I feel, I am comforted by the fact that this feeling will only last for the next few days/weeks. Tomorrow I am getting my blood drawn again and if the numbers (which were pretty high in the beginning) have doubled we have a good sign. I will do the same again on Monday, and about a week from then we should be able to schedule an ultrasound just to make sure that that little heart is beating as it should. I am going to try to go back to yoga this weekend, or swim, or do something to try to calm my mind.

I'm going to try to keep picturing myself at 40 weeks, and I know with just a little bit of luck we will get there...

(Photo Credit: From Here.)

So Much For That Glow.

As you all know tomorrow is the big day, and yes, as expected, I am very, very, very anxious.

I am feeling like we may get some good news, but I refuse to get me hopes up as we have been down this road more than a few times, and every time that I was "convinced" that I was pregnant, I got a big fat negative.

Lets just say I'm cautiously optimistic.

If I needed any sort of sign that I may be with child, the following would be a great indication. Either that or I am in some serious need of a new face cream.

So, last night I was in the grocery store and I ran into a Mom of one of the local kids. She knew we had been trying to have a baby, but not all of the gory details regarding our efforts. I had just been swimming with the little man, and granted I did not look my finest, but after a few minutes of catching up she cautiously asked, "is there any news on the baby front?" "Nothing certain, but we just did another round of IVF I replied. "Well, she said... the minute I saw you I knew, you do not look like her usual self. I thought she looks very tired, and kind of gray so she must be pregnant."

Thanks I guess? I actually took this as a good omen, rather than a comment on how awful I looked, but as I was leaving all I could think was.... so much for that glow.

I thought nothing of it until today, when I ran into my neighbor in the hallway. "Oh my goodness," she said when she saw me. "I'm guessing you have good news?" "No, not yet, I replied." "Um, I think you definitely are knocked up... you just look so tired!"

Okay, okay... if I'm not pregnant I'm making that Botox appointment stat!

Well, tomorrow we will see, and I'll let you all know as soon as we tell our families... which if you know me, means within hours after! Thank you again for all of you well wishes, and kind thoughts, you have been a great support system over the last few years and I know I couldn't have made it through all of this without you!

So I Had This Idea....

2 week wait = FAIL.

So I swore up and down that under no circumstances was I to take any at home pregnancy tests before getting my real, doctor sanctioned,  test on Tuesday.

Um, yeah... so that lasted exactly 8 days.

See you are not supposed to take HPT (home pregnancy tests) because you can get a false positive from the "trigger" shot that is given the day before your retrieval. Well, last time I didn't listen (because I am a rebel) and I got all negatives. This time around I thought I could trick the system and take the test early enough that I would get a negative (confirming that the trigger was out of my system) so then if I took a test over the weekend and it came back positive, then I would know it was a true positive.

Evil genius right?

Wrong!

The damn thing popped up with a positive, which normally would be AWESOME, except we have no way of knowing if it is from the trigger or from a baby. Crap. I guess now I'll just have to be a good girl and wait until Tuesday. Humph.

Even though it means absolutely nothing, can I tell you how amazing it was to look at an actual positive pregnancy test after 26 months of negatives? I think that if this round doesn't work out for us I am going to have my pregnant bestie pee on a stick each month for me just so I can see those magical words again.

Oh, it's going to be a long 4 days...

Don't Be Disappointed.

My doctor called today to talk about the hyper-stim situation. She is demanding that we do an ultrasound prior to our transfer tomorrow to check my fluid levels. This will determine if we can go forward with the procedure as planned.

I have been ordered not to leave my sofa and to drink at least 180oz of gatorade (a task not so easily accomplished) for the rest of the day and all of tomorrow. She assured me that she has seen people turn this around completely, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up too high. In short, don't be disappointed.

So there you have it. Tomorrow we go in and see what will happen. Today I will act like a sloth and drink, drink, drink, drink.

I plan on being part of the group that "turns it around" so she better be ready to put one of those babies in me. It's game time.


“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
 ~Jonathan Swift 

There is Nothing Like The Smell of an Egg Retrieval in the Morning.

5-8 eggies scheduled to come out at 10am today.

I imagine that I will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired from the medication, but if I am "with it" I'll report back later.

I'll leave you with the number one reason why I love having a three year old (vs an < 3 year old.)

Me: Sweets. would you like some orange juice?
LM: Yes, please! Thank you so much for asking me!

Um, melt.

UPDATE: 21 eggs out, feeling 100% better than the last time. I might not make babies but I sure as hell make eggs. Embryo going back in Thursday.

The New Two Week Wait.

Usually when I talk about the two week wait, I am referring to the what feels like forever long wait to find out if we are pregnant or not. This month again there is that, but after 26 months, let's be honest here, most likely that is not going to happen (as in, give it up already, right?.)

Rather, this time around my two week wait is a countdown to our next and (hopefully) final IVF cycle. We have been here before, and of course we all know how that turned out, but this time around I am feeling much more confident, and a lot less apprehensive about moving forward with this process. Oh, and what a process it is. Over the weekend when my truckloads of medications arrived, I did not weep like I did last time, but instead with no emotion put them away in their respective spots in the fridge (for the record they prefer the back, filed along with the mustard and the ketchup.) I have learned that tears are wasted on that sort of thing.

Most of my comfort (or lack of discomfort) is due to the fact that I finally feel like I actually know what I am getting myself into. I know how it feels to be poked like a pin cushion, and how those hormones will make me a raging lunatic (can I please preemptively apologize to everyone I will come in contact with) for the next month. I now know about the repeated, daily, doctor's visits and how I can try to convince my toddler to sit still for just "one more minute" while mommy finishes getting poked and prodded for the 10th time that week. (Believe me when I say lollipops and an ipod go a long way at 8am.) I will no longer be surprised when something goes wrong, or like last time, when our goal of creating three or four embryos turns into sixteen or seventeen causing my stomach to look and feel like I am already nine months pregnant (this is why god invented yoga pants, right?) Further, this go around I will not be caught off guard when I am faced with the excruciating pain of hyper stimulation, and I will be prepared for the weeks of bed rest that will surely follow if I am able to successively implant that little embryo. (Books on the Kindle; check, babysitter standing by; check; family ready for a "visit;" check, check, check.) Lastly, this time I will not be overly optimistic assuming that if you put a completely viable embryo in a perfectly primed uterus, that this will actually result in a pregnancy. Nope, this time around I know that there are no guarantees and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

This time around I'll be ready.

Two weeks?

Bring. It. On.

Chicken.

This morning I got a call from our fertility doctor. It went something like this.

Dr.: Are you alive.

Me: Um, yes... I believe so.

Dr: Well, I was just wondering since you seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth since your last IVF cycle. 

Me: Oh yeah, sorry about that.

Dr.: So... we were just wondering if you were still in need of our services.

Me: Yes, and No.

Dr.: Care to explain?

Me: I still VERY much would like to get pregnant, but I'm holding out hope that we can maybe do this the old fashioned way. 

Dr.: So how's that working out for you?

Me: Funny you should ask... so far not so good.

Dr.: So....

Me: Um...

Dr.: Shall I schedule your next appointment. 

Me.: Yes, yes, you absolutely should. 

Dr.: When would you like to come in.

Me: How about never October. 

Dr. You sure you want to wait that long?

Me: No... I mean absolutely. 

Okay, okay it didn't go exactly like that, but you get the gist.

I realize it was unfair of me just to disappear from the practice without a word, but I have just been so convinced that we can make this baby on our own that I figured it would be a nice surprise to call them with the great news rather than having another dud embryo put in again. I mean really, how boring is that.* The bottom line is I think that I am just chicken.

We went into the Clomid mess, and then the IVF debacle so blindly that I had no idea, at the time, what exactly I was getting myself into. I wanted a baby so badly that I was willing to do almost anything, and since "anything" meant pumping my body with an oil spill worth of hormones, than at the time I thought thought nothing of it. Now, well, I just don't feel the same.

I have been hormone free for 3 months now, and I can clearly see what those things will do to you. In short, they made me crazzzzyyyyyyy. Crazy with a capital C, and not only did they mess with my mind, but they also killed my skin, and for a few month made me as bloated as the goodyear blimp. Now that I have been off the fertility sauce I again look, and feel, like myself again. While I still very much want another baby, this time I am not going to be so quick to give that up.

Let me rephrase, I'm not so quick to give that up yet.

I've given myself 6 months to fell like "myself." Right now we are on month three, and are currently in middle of the endless two week wait.** 6 months to make this baby on our own, or at least 6 months not to be a "psycho" as my husband has lovingly called my behavior during that time. It's make it (literally) or break it time, and I can assure you I am up to the challenge. Come October, I will again take, inject, or do anything and everything it takes to end this two year journey, but for now I am just happy to feel like a normal person. A normal, hormone free person.

The baby, well that will come, that is something that I am sure about.

* I kid, I kid.
** For all you fertiles the two week wait is the time between when you have the sexy time and find out whether or not you have the bun in the oven.

Executive Decision Time.

This past week the Husband and I have been driving ourselves crazy trying to figure out when we will be able to schedule our next IVF cycle. Crazy as in we are about to kill each other, kind of crazy. We thought we would be able to do it in July but now that my cycle is back on track the dates are not going to work out. To do the IVF, we (I) have to be here for at least 25 days in a row, and my hubby has to be here on retrieval day. Since all of this is flexible we basically have to make sure we are available every day for at least 30 days, starting on a day which there is no way of knowing when it will begin. Between trips we have planned for pleasure, and trips my husband has for work, there is just no way this is going to happen this Summer. When you add on the fact that I have to account for at least 2-4 weeks of painful bed rest, I finally came to an executive decision (I am the CEO of this house, therefore that makes me an executive.) The decision?

I GIVE UP! (shouted while throwing arms in the air.)

No, I haven't yet given up on baby number 2 (like that would happen,) but I have given up on any possibility of IVF over the Summer. We would have to kill ourselves to make it work, and the stress and the uncertainty is not something I am looking to sign up for. I am basically washing my hands with the whole thing until September (at the earliest.) We will still "try" on our own each month, but there will be no ultrasounds, no needles, no talk of transfers or retrievals, or embryos until the Fall. I hate the idea of waiting any longer, but more so I hate the idea of freaking out all Summer and trying to get in an IVF cycle that may or may not happen.

So that's it. That's my final answer. My little man and I are going to have another great Summer on our own and will be enjoying a few family trips together. There will be no tears, no disappointing tests, and best of all no pain for an entire season. My kids may be 4 years apart, but such is life. I finally am giving in to the unknown and giving up.

For now anyway...

Oh, it's going to happen....

Yesterday, I had a follow up with our RE (fertility doc), I went in to the meeting feeling slightly annoyed (okay, very annoyed) that we were having to start from the beginning again, and I left feeling less annoyed and more hopeful. My annoyance stemmed from the fact that  last time I had 17 eggs removed, 11 fertilized, and because our doctor advised us to wait until day 5, I was left with only one shot at implanting the embryo. Our doctor admitted that she gambled a bit (you think????) and did so because she was pretty sure that by having such a strong embryo, factoring in my age and lack of diagnosis, we would have a much greater chance of conceiving. Well, we didn't and she was wrong, and this time around we will be taking a much more conservative approach. That is "if" we get that far.

I had mentioned before that for the next two months we will be giving it the "old college try" and are hoping to conceive this baby without any more medical intervention. I don't know if it's a mind over matter thing or what but for some reason my body seems to be cooperating better than it has in the last two years. Clearly, this is good news and now we are back in the forever long two week wait to see if we were lucky this month. If not we will try one more time and then will be heading back down the IVF road in July. The doctor seemed hopeful and assured me that there is no reason why we can't do this on our own. There are no guarantees, of course, but having that little seed of hope has definitely made the waiting game much more bearable.

If we do end up going the IVF route, things are going to be very different this time. To start with my doctor is going to bump my meds from day one. This will mean that my eggies will grow a lot faster and hopefully there won't be as many, and/or as many little, non-fertilizable, egglets. We will retrieve them all, and rather than waiting until day 5 to transfer or freeze we will be doing so on day 3. Had we done this last time we would have 5 frozen embryos waiting for us to transfer rather than the zero that we are left with now. The doc said that she would be happy if we had 4 or 5 frozen and then each month we could just keeping putting one in and crossing our fingers. This will alleviate a lot of the stress that we went through last time and a lot of pain, physically and mentally, on my end.

When I asked her if she thought this was going to work she looked right at me an said, "oh, it's going to happen. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when." That phrase has been ringing in my head ever since I left the office.

You hear that universe??? It's going to happen! I think it's time that you get with the program.

Coming soon.... baby number 2.

Back To The Drawing Board.

Did you all hear the story about the girl who wanted to have a baby so bad that she literally injected a perfect embryo into her uterus? The punch line is that by even doing something that crazy she still wasn't able to get knocked up. The sad part of course is that this time the joke's on me.

I'm sure most of you saw yesterday that we learned that our first attempt at IVF was a giant failure. Obviously this is devastating news for us. I really was so convinced that it was going to work that I honestly never considered what it feel like if it didn't. In case there was any doubt it really, really, really sucked. What also really sucks is that now we have to wait two more months until we can start again. We have to take a one month "rest" break, and because we booked a trip to Costa Rica in June, naively thinking that this was going to work, we now have to wait until July for another go. I would bag the trip completely, but as my husband says, "we can't just stop living our lives." My response is we absolutely can, but I do get his point. The only thing that would be worse than not having another baby is sitting around waiting to have another baby and then not having said baby.

The problem is that of this waiting does not sit well with me. I seem to be lacking in the patience gene,  so I spent most of yesterday hatching a plan. I am 30 years old (for another two weeks), I have had a healthy baby the natural way, and there is technically nothing wrong with me, so I'm just going to say "screw you" to the IVF and have this baby on my own (with a little help from my husband of course.) No drugs, no needles, no "magic pills" none of it. I am going to eat cleaner than I ever have before, practice yoga as much as is humanly possible, and we are going make this baby the old fashioned way. Hey, if the girls on 16 and Pregnant can do it why can't I?

I realize that I may be completely delusional but I have never been one to shy away from a challenge so why start now? My hope is that we can be one of those people down the road who joke about our little foray into the infertility world and how crazy it was that in the end we didn't even need medical intervention. If that doesn't work than we will always have another go with some new embryos in July.

Bottom line, I will have another baby.

I can't thank all of you enough for your calls, emails, and comments. Yesterday was really tough and knowing that I had so many amazing friends and family members in my corner really made things much more bearable. I would also like to thank my girls who took me out to a fabulous dinner and plied me with a significant amount of red wine. Really is there anything that some good conversation and one bottle  two bottles of red wine can't cure? Yeah, I didn't think so.

The 2 Week Wait.

Yesterday I lost it.

I have spent the last few days feeling so nauseous that I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I woke up yesterday at 6 am so sick I thought I was going to die. Rather than dying I took a much anticipated home pregnancy test, and was 100 percent sure that I was going to run out and tell my hubby, "I'M PREGNANT." The test result?

Negative.

Negative as in "not pregnant."

What does that mean? Hell if I know. See the thing was yesterday I was 12 days past my FET (frozen embryo transfer.) Is that too early? Who knows. Am I still having unbelievable pregnancy symptoms? Absolutely. Did this make me crazy? You betcha.

So back to me losing it. After the test I went into a bit of a downward spiral. I spent the little man's entire nap tearing though infertility chat rooms looking for others who had a negative at home test, and a positive blood test days later. Luckily, there were dozens of stories of this happening. Unluckily, there were even more stories of a negative being a negative and worse there were hundreds of tragic stories of people who had literally been trying to get pregnant but sadly had ill-fated pregnancies, some one after another.

Needless to say this is not the type of thing that I should have/ or should be reading. It seems as though people turn to these rooms for support, but for me I found the opposite. It made me more depressed, and not just for myself but for the thousands of women out there who are dying to be a mother and can't. I simply cannot imagine what life would be like if I didn't have the LM and had to go through this year after year, disappointment after disappointment.

That was yesterday.

Today I woke up feeling much better. Still sick, but mentally much better. I did not take a test and have spent most of the day not thinking about it. Tomorrow is our blood test and I have to hold out hope that we will get good news. My husband kept reminding me over and over last night that there is a reason the doctor demands a blood test after two weeks and not an at home pregnancy test after 12.

He's a smart guy so I banking on him being right on this one.

So tomorrow's the day. Plain and simple. Tomorrow afternoon we should have our answer, and as soon as we let our families know I will be sure to let the world know whether our little embryo decided to take up residence here.

File this 2 week wait under things that really suck.

The Three Week Countdown.

Finally I have some baby news to report. Nothing too exciting (believe me you will know) but at last we have a date set for our embryo transfer. Up until today we were in a bit of a holding pattern (I'll spare you the specifics) but we now finally have a set day when I will be getting my little egglet back where it belongs.

Three weeks from today we will be going in for what I hope is the end of this baby mama drama (hope, but am completely realistic about the odds.) Three weeks from today we will get our 1 perfect little blastocyst put in, and then 7-14 days later we will know if it worked or not. While these dates don't mean a whole lot to the process, in my head they have done wonders. I am one of those people who has to feel like I am doing something (anything, everything) to fix a problem and all of this waiting has been driving me nuts and I feel so relieved to have these set dates on the calendar (yes I have them circled in red, I am one of those people.)

Three weeks until painless transfer; check. 5 weeks until we know whether or not out little blast made it; check. 15 weeks until we would (technically) be out of the woods; check. A baby born possibly around Christmas; check, check, check. You see where I'm going with this don't you? For today at least I feel like we have a plan. Today I feel like we are being proactive. Today I have hope.

So if you all wouldn't mind again crossing your fingers and toes for me, I'm pretty sure we could use all the good wishes you can muster. I'll make sure to report back in 5 weeks with some news. Good or bad at least we will finally know something.

Clearly A Man Designed This Place.

I just got home from the fertility doctor (in 21 days (ish) we will transfer our blastocyst assuming it survives the thaw) and I have to admit that I am always a bit annoyed when I walk out of that place. I love our doctor, love the location, love the facility and I am very happy with our current plan. What I don't love? The fact that the Fertility Center is located smack in the middle of the OB portion of the building. Like RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. Who goes to the OB? Pregnant women. Lots and lots and lots of pregnant women. Who doesn't *love* pregnant women? Infertile women. Yeah, clearly a man designed this place.

Who else would think that it would be an enjoyable experience for an "infertile" to be surrounded in line, such as I was today, by 10 (yes 1o) noticeably pregnant women? It's not that I have anything against them and I have been to the place so many times that it doesn't even phase me when I see them anymore. I just think that perhaps it is not necessary for me to swim in the fertile sea and then be dragged back into my little infertility hole. If your going to give me a sip of wine, can't I just have the whole damn bottle? Oh, and the 4 foot partition that runs 1/4 of the room doesn't really hide the fact that we are not one of them, it just makes it harder to glare from across the room, not that I would ever do that (insert sarcasm here.)

The funny thing is that even when I was on the other side of that faux wall I thought the same thing. When I was pregnant with my little man I was one of those happy full bellied women. I would sit on my "side" and watch all of the couples going into the little fertility office and I would find myself guessing what their situation was. Obviously I was blissfully unaware of the world of infertility but I remember how cruel it felt to sit there and rub my belly while someone who was having trouble conceiving had to watch. Even worse when I miscarried with baby number two the ultrasound rooms were full of still pregnant women, so I was ushered through the fertile section and was paraded in front of everyone until an infertile room opened up. Awesome.

Maybe one of these days (when I am no longer in need of their fertile or infertile services) I will write to the folks over at Harvard Vanguard and let them know that the next time they design a medical facility perhaps they should make sure that a woman is in charge. I have a hard time believing that a woman (even a childless one) would make such a poor choice in planning.

What's next, a McDonalds in the middle of the cardiac wing?

(Photo Credit: From Here)

The Percent Game.

• We have one frozen embryo. (which means 95% of the egglets we took out didn't make it to day 5)
• On a scale of 1 to 100 our doctor gave our little guy a 95 %. (this is really really good)
• It has less than 5% fragmentation. (less than 25% is good.)
• It has an 80% chance of surviving the freeze. (possibly higher due the high quality)
• There is a 60% chance that the embryo will implant resulting in pregnancy. (pray)
• I 100% really, really, really, really, really want this to work. (just throwing that out into the universe.)

Right now we are playing the waiting game, and in my head I keep playing the percent game. It looks like our transfer will take place near the end of March so until then there is nothing to do but run the numbers and keep the hope alive.

(Photo Credit: From Here)

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Yesterday was my egg retrieval and things went pretty well. We retrieved 17 egglets and although I was very sleepy and sore the rest of the day I felt pretty good. That was yesterday.

Today I woke up in more pain than I had post surgery. My stomach is insanely "full" and I generally feel like crap. The obvious concern is that I am hyperstimulating which is the main concern with IVF and with the removal of as many eggs as I produced. My doctor is fairly concerned and has warned me that if it gets worse we may have to call off the transfer until next month (i.e. March.)

Are you freaking kidding me????? We've come this far and now I might have to wait even longer? Clearly I am being punished for something I did in my past life! Obviously this is not welcome news.

It's not over yet. I have been ordered to be on bed rest (which is somewhat possible, and as of now it will be movie day for the little man and I) and I am supposed to drink at least 120 ounces of Gatorade, Smart Water, and Coconut Water. That and salty foods. Right now I am chugging as much as I can of that disgusting green fluid.

I'm remaining hopeful that we can beat this thing. Until then I'll be drinking my weight in fluids. Have I expressed how ready I am for this all to be over?

Can't We Just Get Each Other Paper?

Disclaimer: File the following under TMI if you are getting bored with the fertility updates. I hope just as much as you do that soon this will be over and we can get back to the fun stuff. For now there isn't much else on my mind so I apologize in advance.

We all know that I am a bit of an overachiever. Well, it turns out that my eggs are as well. I am currently taking the lowest dose of medication and the goal was for me to produce 2-3 eggs. Right now I've got 6 "real" eggs, and about 22 that have the potential to grow, grow, grow. Robin and Steve = 28? I don't think so.

Needless to say we have opted for the switch to IVF where all 28 egglets will be removed and a small number which we will decide on tomorrow (1-2) will be re-implanted. The scheduling of this has been a nightmare to say the least. Thank god my back up sitter is able to come every day for the next week so on days like today where my 1/2 hour Dr. apt turned into 3 hour one, I don't have to worry about a screaming child. Of course the only day she can't come is on Saturday which is my likely egg retrieval day, but I'm sure we can figure something out. Saturday also happens to be my 6th anniversary. What am I giving my husband? 28 potential babies. What is he giving me? About 100,000 sperm. I think it would have been easier just to give each other paper or something.

Generally I feel fine. No real physical complications (except I can't go to the gym per the doc, I feel kind of "off," and my head is threatening to explode any minute, not to mention the two pounds that I magically put on overnight.) That being said, the injections and their side effects are the easy part.

What really sucks is all of the daily annoyances. Things like my insurance Co. deciding on the first day of 2010 to deny all my medications (this was reversed today after an angry call from my patient manager.) Or the fact that now I will have to try to find a place to get my blood drawn every day while we are in Fiji where we will be going "against medical advice" in two weeks (considering the 20 acre island we are staying on this may be easier said than done.) Or the fact that I can't even take a PG test because it will give a false positive...the list goes on and on.

What happened to the old fashioned way of having one to many drinks, a roll in the hay, and a few weeks later "OMG I'm preganant...I can't believe it?" Oh yeah, that shit only happens in the movies.

Happy anniversary baby...now pass the injection.

Not Quite The Christmas Miracle I Was Hoping For.

Yes people that is snow. And yes, that is snow falling on Christmas Day (err night.) I know I said that all I wanted for Christmas was for some of the white stuff to fall, but in the back of my mind I was really hoping that Santa would instead bring me a positive pregnancy test. Well, it looks like he got my first letter, but forgot about the second. Yep, Christmas morning we got our final negative pregnancy test. Our last chance before some serious medical intervention came and went and starting today we begin injectibles and then insemination or IVF depending on how many little egglets I produce. In short, now the fun begins.

I thought I would be nervous about the whole process, but the truth is that I am really ready to get this ball rolling. The only thing that has my stomach in knots is the timing of all of this. Honestly, it couldn't be any worse. Basically for the next 14 days I have to be at the doctor every morning at 9 for a blood test and ultrasound. Of course this is a holiday week which means that school is closed, my sitter is out of town, and any friends who would have been able to watch my little man are also visiting their own families. This means that EVERY DAY my two year old and I get to go to the doctor together. As I said fun times. Today a TV show on my iPod and a bag of jelly beans did the trick, but I have a feeling I am going to have to get more creative in the coming weeks. Note to self: move closer to family if we are every going to do this again.

I'm actually in a pretty good place about where we are at with all of this and I am very much looking forward to this being the end of our journey (fingers crossed.) "Taking shots" is about to take on a new meaning in this house, although I'm thinking it's not a bad idea to add a real shot to go with my fertility shots. Nah, maybe just a giant glass of wine.

Taking a Month Off.

I realize I haven't posted much recently regarding our ongoing fertility issues, but a few of you have sent me emails asking what's happening so I figured I would give you all an update. No, I am not pregnant and I thank all of you for the adorable emails from those of you who thought my lack of silence meant that I was. The reason I haven't written anything, is because nothing really has been going on. In short, we are taking a month off. Trust me, after all this you will be one of the first to know when I actually do finally conceive. You've gone this far with me, we're not stopping now.

A few weeks ago both my husband and I went through our final round of testing. As expected his results turned out normal, and not as expected, so did mine. There is no blockage, no thyroid, no hormonal issues. Nothing. This diagnosis was equally as hopeful as it was frustrating. I had my final sit down with the doc and the answer was pretty much the same, there is nothing really wrong, but it could take a few years of trying on our own to conceive again. There is no guarantee that once I go off the Clomid I will continue to cycle regularly and this would lead to a more increased risk of miscarriage, thus more trouble getting pregnant. The stress of that and the continued "trying" is more than we can take and our Dr. has suggested that we go forward with the more aggressive treatments.

We had planned on starting right away, but given that we are leaving for Thanksgiving and will be unable to stay in town continually for the next month we were forced to take a month off. I see this as a Godsend of sorts. Almost like a cleanse. I have one month where I don't even have to think about getting pregnant. No ultrasounds, no drugs, no sticks, no disappointing pregnancy test results, no crazy mood swings. None of it.

I plan on spending the holidays drinking wine, eating sushi, and I even snuck in a girl's weekend. One last hurrah we'll call it. Then in December we will begin our treatments. When I sat down with the nurse I was actually a bit shocked at how time consuming this all is going to be. I'm not concerned about my time, I have plenty of that. What is concerning is what I am going to do with the LM. Basically once we start the injections I will be having to go to the Dr. at least once a day for a few weeks for blood tests and ultrasounds, than when it is time for the insemination for two days in a row I have to be there at an exact time and depending on how many eggs there are we may have to do emergency IVF surgery with little or no notice. All these times and dates are completely dependent on my body and can't be scheduled in advance. This makes arranging childcare for my active LM virtually impossible. We have no family nearby, so we are going to have to rely heavily on our friends and sometimes I will have to bring the little guy with me. It's not ideal, but we don't see any other choice. Hopefully we will only have to do one or two months, this is what I'm crossing my fingers for.

I spent the last week feeling pretty frustrated. I fell back into that whole, "I'm only 30, we had no problems with the LM, why is this happening," feeling sorry for myself kind of place. I quickly snapped out of it. I have the LM, insurance is covering everything, if this is what it takes than this is what it takes. I consider myself to be very luck and if this is our journey so be it. At this point it is out of my hands.

I did come to a pretty big decision as well. My husband doesn't see it as quite as big (as it was always his plan) but for me it took a while to get there. This is it for us. I will do whatever it takes to have this next baby(s) but after that, no more. I refuse to go though this a third time, and there is no way I could fathom doing this with two or three children in tow. While I was always on the fence about baby number three (assuming I could convince the husband) I am on it no more. If we can have one more, than we are very, very lucky and there is no reason to add any more stress to our lives. A big family would be great, but it is just not in the cards for me.

So that's the update. I'll talk more when we actually begin the process. Again I thank all of you for your support and your emails. I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing month.

UPDATE:

A few minutes after I published this post, next month's drugs arrived in the mail. There must be 4 different kinds and there are just so many of them, all injections. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it.... I guess I forgot how much I hate needles.

Infertile.

Today it's been one year and two weeks since my miscarriage. That means today is the day we are "officially" infertile for insurance purposes. This means we can finally get this ball rolling. We met with the Dr. today and here is the bottom line. I'll keep it short because I'm sure some of you out there are more than bored with this topic (myself included.)

• This will be my last Clomid cycle. Clearly it is not working and at this point it has weakened my lining to the point that it's not that likely that we will conceive this way. Buh bye Clonmid, I can't be happier to be done with this.
• Next cycle we start injectibles and IUI. Basically they are daily injections to stimulate the follicles with artificial insemination.
• We do this for two months.
• If during one of those cycles I stimulate more than 3 eggs than we can get emergency IVF and implant 2 eggs. If it is 3 we can decide not to go forward with the insemination, and if it is 2 or lower we would move forward.
• After two months if this doesn't work we move forward with the IVF implanting one or two eggs (we haven't decided.)
• The Doc said I should feel better once I get off the Clomid.

Bottom line? They have no idea why we can get pregnant. Clomid is doing more harm than good. They can get us pregnant. We could very easily have twins.

The husband very much only wants one more baby and my doctor seems to be very cautious erring on the side of, "I'd rather have one follicle than three" so overall I pretty good about it.

So now we just wait until next month. Seems like we may have a baby (or two) on their way before Christmas. Exciting and scary!

Obviously, if any of you out there have been through this or are going through this, any advice or thoughts you may have would be greatly appreciated!