Ugh.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I find myself with not a whole lot to say today. 

Today I start clomid cycle number 5. I've pretty much given up hope that the clomid is going to work and I am anxiously awaiting October 15 when I can finally be deemed "infertile." While this title is nothing to look forward to it does mean that, for insurance purposes, we can finally start getting more aggressive. I'm again convinced that maybe I have a blockage or scar tissue from the D&E that I had to get after my miscarriage last year. Now that I will be "infertile" I can get this checked out. I also can start, in about 2 months, doing injectibles and moving towards IVF. I am hoping things don't have to get this drastic but at this point I would do almost anything to get this ball rolling. 

I also am thinking of joining a support group (thank you dear reader for the suggestion!) if only so I can feel like I am not the only one. I swear it sometimes hits me at the strangest times. Like yesterday for example. I was walking down Charles street with the LM on the way to the park when I spotted a woman who I hadn't seen in about two years. She was in one of our baby classes with me and the LM in the early days, and she used to often comment about the "science" that went into to making her miracle baby. When I spotted her I rushed up to say hello and then from across the street until I spotted her swollen belly. Seeing this I was overcome with disappointment and cut away another street. Clearly this is good news for her, but I just couldn't help thinking WHEN IT IS GOING TO BE MY TURN? Obviously, this kind of thinking is not that healthy nor is it rational and I think that it would be helpful for me to be in an environment where other women are having similar emotions. At a minimum maybe it will help me to stop staring at every pregnant woman I see. I swear, one of these women are going to call me, or the police, due to my eye "stalking."

So begins another cycle. Ugh.


12 comments :

The Missus said...

You will have another baby. You absolutely will. Just like I will have one some day.. When I am ready.

Don't stress. And don't be sad. your body will let it happen when it is ready too.

Grams said...

I'm so sorry you're having these problems conceiving. I know the disappointment is extra hard when you have to go through it every month. Keep on trying and try to be patient. Your next little one will come when all is right. A support group may be an excellent idea.

Polly said...

Hugest Hugs Yum, I know it can't be easy.
I was wondering if you had seen a chiropractor/Kinesiologist? I had a little trouble falling with Ollie went to see mine and fell pregnant that weekend. Anyway it was just a thought.
Take care hon.

Adrienne said...

Hang in there! I am going through the same thing after a miscarriage, and I am only trying for baby #1. I just keep reminding myself that a million women would trade places with me because of my awesome husband- perspective!

jaimie said...

i am so sorry friend! i have been so busy and been thinking of you and these damn cycles. hang in there!!! you will get preggers - you will, you will, you will!

Anonymous said...

You will have your moment too! I had a friend who recently went through ivf and she worked hard to stay positive the whole time. She went for weekly massages, accupuncture sessions and lots of lunches out with her girlfriends. After one round of ivf, my girlfriend is now expecting twins. It will happen for you too...just believe it. I'm sending lots of positive energy your way...

Jodi said...

I agree get the laproscopy they will clear out your tubes and then go for the big guns (injectables). They really do leave your body in a more acceptable state for conception then clomid. I was/am afraid of needles but I injected those suckers in my stomach. I bet you won't have to do IVF-but I do see twins in your future. I used to see pregnant women EVERYWHERE when i was unable to conceive it is weird-I don't know about a support group I think that might just have you focus on the negative more (you don't really need to know the women who is on her 10th unsuccessful IVF do you?)i think we all do that enough. For me chatting with women on forums was enough and of course taking action!

Lilian said...

Virtual hug:)

The Missus said...

oh yes! I agree with Anonymous... TRY ACUPUNCTURE!!! Emily Greenstein at Exhale Spa in Boston is FABULOUS! And she has experience with SUCCESSFULLY helping clients with fertility issues.
http://www.emilygreenstein.com/

Yummy Mummy said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support. I was a bit of a mess yesterday and your comments and emails really pulled me out of my funk. Or at lease kept me from a downward spiral. Thank you, thank you thank you.

I think I am going to try some other techniques as well (like acupuncture) because my husband is a doctor I am always timid towards Eastern Medicine, but at this point I really will try anything.

Did I say thank you? You all really are awesome!!

xoxo

ym

CTodd said...

Hello, I just stumbled across your blog (I'm from the Boston area as well- south shore) and wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your struggle with fertility.

I'm 31 and have 4 year old twins that are a result of my first struggle w/ infertility, and after they were born my RE told me I should most likely be able to get pregnant on my own if ever I wanted another child. Well... not the case. I'm currently in the 2 week-wait after my 3rd (and final) round of Clomid. Clomid doesn't seem to be working for me, and it's beyond frustrating. I have 5 friends right now who are all newly pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd children, all within many months that I have been trying. Some days are so hard! I met with my RE yesterday and if Clomid doesn't work this month, I will be going straight to IVF in October. I never thought we'd need to take that drastic of a measure, but at this point it makes the most sense for us.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know you are not alone, and there are others out there who can relate to what you're going through. Best of luck, and hang in there! :)

Yummy Mummy said...

CTodd,

Thank you so much for your comment and I wish you the best of luck. I am so over Clomid as well. I wish i could go to IVF, but alas we have to do a few months of injectibles first. It is so nice to hear from people who are going through the same thing, although I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE, but it feels good to know that I'm not alone...or crazy. Please keep me posted on your story...2 sets of twins sounds pretty good to me!

Best of luck to you,

Robin
YM