Separation Anxiety.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I'm not sure if the following would be considered 1) completely "normal" or 2) if it means that I'm bat shit crazy. I think it's probably the former, but you can never rule out the latter. :)

So, for the past month, EVERY NIGHT, I have been dreaming of "losing" my little man. Sometimes I can't find him in a store, sometimes I check on him at night and he is gone, sometimes I find out he is sick, sometimes someone is trying to take him away, and sometimes, like the other night, I dream of impossible situations that seem so real, which involved us flying back from Hawaii, where got put on separate planes. I watched myself, standing at the gate for hours, sobbing, waiting for him to get off the plane, and then frantically running around when I learned that it was empty. Clearly, it doesn't take a PHD to see that I am having some serious anxiety about "loosing" my little man when baby #2 comes into the picture. It seems as though my subconscious may be as freaked out as my conscious is, concerned that when baby Gray comes into the picture things will never be the same around here.

I've talked to my friends about this, and their answer is simple, "no, things won't be the same... they will be better," and I do get that. I can see how two will be better than one, and I have no doubt that I have more than enough love for both little boys, yet I still can't help feeling like I am loosing something. My Little Man and I  have been so inseparable for the past 4 years, and our routines are so established, that I can't even picture what our lives are going to look like in two short months. Will we still get to cuddle every morning for 20 minutes? Will we still have coffee and hot chocolate on the couch every morning, while watching the newest Curious George together? Will the only question be, "where should we go today," and not how are we going to manage this? Do we still get to cook together every night, while singing our "best friend song?"(The above are the highlights of every day)

I realize that the answer to all of the above is yes, and no. Yes, we will be able to cuddle, but no, it won't be for 20 minutes, and there will probably be another little guy in bed with us. Yes, we can have coffee on the sofa, but I will most likely be breast feeding, rather than watching, and commenting. Sure, we will still be able to go to all of our usual places, but I might have to allow for more time, and be more prepared before we leave. I doubt the cooking will stop, but we will have to time it when the baby is either sleeping or otherwise occupied. I get all that. I do. However, that doesn't mean the thought of change doesn't freak the hell out of me. It takes me days/weeks/months to adopt to any change, even small changes, and this, short of having the LM, is going to be one of the biggest shockers of them all.

From the outside, I can see that this is all unnecessary anxiety. People do this every day. They adjust, the kids adjust, and you all are better off in the end. Rather than having one love of my life, I will have two. That can't be a bad thing, right?

Now, If only I could be this logical while sound asleep????

All you Moms and Dads of two, three, four (or more!) did you ever go though this? Can things change while staying the same??? I would love to hear your thoughts. Oh, and if I am in fact "bat shit crazy" you can feel free to tell me that too!

P.S. Do we think the LM is too old for the bjorn? As you can see above I wore him EVERYWHERE for his first year of life. This is us "watching" a Costa Rican sunset. It's one way to guarantee he won't get lost!!!!!


Anonymous said...

I had the same dreams while pregnant with my second and in fact while pregnant with my first I had the dreams about losing my dog.

Anonymous said...

Not to be a bummer but I did/do feel a sense of "loss" before and after baby #2. In fact, baby #2 is 2 and I still worry that I am not enjoying #1 the way I did and of course that I am not making enough time for #1 - ahhhha mother's guilt - love it! HOWEVER, #1 and #2 are now starting to really, truly play together not just parallel play and it makes me think that it's all going to okay.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a little distance will be good for both of you.

The Harris Family said...

I did it before I had number 1...cried to the husband about how it wasn't just going to be the two of us anymore. And of course, it was better after my daughter was born! Then did it again before I had #2...cried that I was ruining #1's life and things would never ever ever be the same. What a crybaby right?! Anyway, it was hard to adjust, and things were definitely shaken up, but things have settled back to normal nicely. You can do it!

Steve said...

I had the same issue with #2... I spent the week before 2 came holding my son after bathtime and crying. However, once 2 was born, I didn't feel that way anymore. I think it was more fear of the unknown. Also, with #3, I didn't have the same problem-- I think because I already knew how it felt to bring home another baby to the life I'd already established. So don't worry, it gets easier :) And there's no shame in feeling sad about things- it's a big change! Just don't feel guilty about those feelings, because they do go away and they certainly don't mean you love either child less! :)

Meaghan said...

My oldest "little man" was 22 months old when his brother was born, and I had some serious mama guilt and anxiety about depriving him of my love & attention when #2 arrived. My pediatrician gave me great advice. He told me that I should never worry about my oldest getting less of me and my attention, because this new baby will give him more attention than I ever could on my own. Six years later (and with baby girl arriving when the boys were almost 3 and 5)I can attest to the fact that the pediatrician was right. Sometimes I catch myself watching my kids interact (reading together, playing outside, etc) and I feel truly blessed. Things will be different, but you will get to see a whole new side of your little man that you never knew existed.

charis victoria said...

Hey - love your blog btw, read it lots, but catching up today as have also just had baby no.2, a little girl. My first is a little boy, aged 23 months. I actually expected to feel all protective of the newborn and grumpy at my toddler but at the end of the first week I realized I was instead really missing my little boy. And I'm still coming to terms with our special post nap cuddle now being a breastfeeding/book reading snuggle instead etc. It's not the same, it is hard and I hope/know it'll all shake down in the long run but will be thinking of you in that first month xx

Yummy Mummy said...

Thank you all for commenting... it is so great to know I'm not alone feeling this way. I'm sure it will take some adapting, but I can wait until I can say we are a family of 4!!!