Here's The Thing.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Again I am not pregnant. Totally sucks? Yes. Totally disappointing? Also yes. Totally had my hopes up? Yes, yes yes. But here's the thing, this month for some reason I am pretty OK with this. Yes, I still want another baby. Yes, I would like one asap, but this month I am refusing to let this send me into a downward spiral. I am officially giving up control. Officially. I think the following things are what is keeping me in such positive spirits:
  1. We are finally able to book some of the vacations that we have been holding off on because I would have been too pregnant to travel. These include an adults only trip to Colorado in December. A family trip to Switzerland in February, followed by a trip for the little man/ a conference for the Husband at the Happiest Place on Earth; Disneyland. How could I not be psyched about that? The little man + Mickey = insanity and a great time. 
  2. The terrible twos are really, really (really, really, really) terrible. The fact that the LM will be closer to three when baby number 2 rolls around is a very, very, very, very good thing. Life would be really tough right now with two. Awesome, but tough. 
  3. I really am enjoying my little man. Despite the terrible twos the LM and I are having an amazing summer. Having one kid who sort of listens and can get around/ follow a routine is amazing. I am having the time of my life and given the little guy's short time on this earth I can guarantee you that he is too. 
  4. I have become obsessed with fertility forums and I keep reading other people's happy endings. I feel very lucky to have the LM and I can't explain what a relief it is to know that there are others out there who have been successful in their fertility struggles. Every story that ends in success really helps me to envision that success myself. I know it will happen, it's just a matter of when. 
The only thing that has me down? The fact that I have to do yet another round of the Clomid/ Progesterone. Ugh, I am just so over it. The mood swings, the pain, the acne, the weight gain. O.V.E.R. I.T.. Over it. Sadly, there is nothing I can do. The doc said that if I go off the chances of conceiving are much less likely. So more and more drugs. At least there is a light at the end of this Clomid tunnel. The plan is two more months on the pill, then two months of injectables (as required by the insurance Co.), and then IVF. Clearly we are hoping that it won't come to any of that but the doc. seems to think that with the IVF I am pretty much guaranteed a baby. Two babies actually. Again, I am hoping it won't come to that but I do like having a plan. Even if that plan includes more hormones, it's still a plan. 

It's going to be a beautiful week, the little man is going to turn two soon, and we have our health/ home/ family. I refuse to let a little thing like a negative pregnancy test get me down. This month at least. Thank you all for your finger crossings and baby dust. Next month, right?


P.S. I totally think it's rude that the pregnancy test has to so aggressively say "Not Pregnant." Can't it be like a magic 8 ball and say things like, "Try Again Later," or "Sorry Not This Time," or "Keep Trying Honey," or the best would be "It Will Happen, Just Not Now." Hmmmm perhaps I should create a new product? 


13 comments :

pokerfacemom said...

What fun! Disneyland! I can't wait for us to go to Disney World. We'll have to wait till my one year old is walking and NOT like a little monkey on all fours, cause he doesn't want to get his knees dirty.lol Great attitude! Keep moving forward! ;)

notSupermum said...

Awww, sorry to hear that. I agree about the pregnancy tests being too brutally honest, although when I was using them you had to look for a thin blue line. One line meant preggers, two lines not-preggers, or perhaps it was the other way round, anyway I always managed to read it incorrectly. Nightmare.

Btw, the best way to get pregnant (apart from having wild, rampant sex) is to book yourselves on a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Sod's law says that shortly after you will have to cancel it because you'll be too pregnant to travel.

Good luck though, it will happen in it's own good time.

The Missus said...

DON'T STRESS!

I did exactly three rounds of clomid WITH IUIs... And I had nothing. And I am one who ovulates regularly on her own and doesn't seem to have any impediments to getting pregnant physically... It just never happened.

I hated clomid.

I think our bodies will open up and allow for pregnancy when they are ready. Definitely don't let this get you down.

You WILL have another child some day. Just go with the flow of life, and hug your LM extra tight each night.

Erin said...

Ugh. I'm with you! After 2 m/c's (no interventions yet besides progesterone), I'm TIRED of these heartless, negative pregnancy tests. I would totally buy your designer line! The positive results could read "FINALLY!!!", "No more Pinot for you!", or "Sionara, sushi!" ;-)

Julie Q said...

Ahhhh I love both you and erin's suggestions for thoses tests! too funny. there's gotta be something at Urban Outfitters that is like that! Not sure what Urbans is the first place to come to mind. whoops!

The Writing Instinct said...

Can't wait to read of your happy ending, pregnant with baby number 2soon.

Thinking of you.

Frogger said...

Thinking of you....
xoxoxo

gaelikaa said...

Look if it happens, it happens! Pregnant is good news and so, sometimes, is not pregnant.

Yummy Mummy said...

Thank you all for your sweet thoughts. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

Polly said...

Aww sweet I am sorry this is not your month - but you are right having a baby and a terrible two...ugh we are right in the thick of it at the moment and to think I could have a newborn as we speak - I would probably have been a wreck. Im so glad you have so much to look forward to.

Anonymous said...

Why can't your RE (you ARE seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, right?) push the insurance company to at least go on to IUI at this point? Enough is enough with the Clomid already. I assume you've had the full workup and HSC to confirm there are no tube issues - critical. Tell your doctor you want more aggressive treatment and representation with the insurance company. Docs know how to massage the data to speed up the process. And good luck.

Yummy Mummy said...

Anon,

I do got to an RE. One who is very good. Because I have had one child, and two pregnancies naturally, and because I am only 30, insurance is making me wait the full year from 2 weeks after my miscarrage date to get the full workup (HSC included.) Until now all they can do is labs to check hormone levels and my thyroid levels and the clomid. Mid october we have an apt for the full work up and start injectables. It's so frustrating because had I not had the miscarrage we would be able to say it's been a year.

Hopefully this moth or next will be the one and we will be able to cancel that apt. Thanks for the advice.

ym

Anonymous said...

Grr. Insurance companies can be so frustrating. I'm glad you like your RE - so important. I am sorry about your miscarriage. I just had my first pregnancy end in a miscarriage this month, after going through IVF. It is really devastating. I was just under 6 weeks, but it still feels like a death to me. Starting again seems terrifying, but I am late-30s so I don't have the luxury of waiting too much longer, I guess.

So good luck, again. I hope you have a great outcome very soon. If you do get to injectibles, fear not - they are not scary. Just remember, each one brings you closer to baby!

PS: Sorry I meant to type HSG not HSC. (That's short for hysterosalpingogram for everyone else out there). I've had "HCG" on the brain right now in the wake of my pregnancy testing, and I'm getting my letters all mixed up.