Why Am I Surprised ... He Is My Husband.

If there is one thing that everyone remembers after they meet my husband, it's that he is incredibly concerned about the environment (aka he's very VERY Green.) So concerned in fact that we/he never eat take out, would never buy anything that is packaged in plastic, and above all else he recycles, recycles, recycles. I know and love this about him, which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when I stopped by his office this afternoon. I went with the intention of figuring out what he needed to spruce up the place, and I left needing more than a few trash bags.

Why?

Because for the last two years the man has started this collection in his tiny office.

Yes, those are coke cans and yes, they were everywhere! Like, everywhere. They were in every cabinet, every drawer, they even lined the desk and I'm pretty sure the floor.

Apparently this little collection started not because he loves the way the can looks, rather it was because the hospital doesn't have recycling. (Go figure, right?)I'm not quite sure how big the mess would have gotten but it's a safe bet that it would have stayed that way until the kid retired. I've seen Hoarders one too many times, so I know how this story ends, which means I will be back next week in my Hazmat suit to try to make order of the place.

Really, why am I surprised.... he is my husband. I mean it takes one to know one!

Yet Another Blonde Moment.

The highlight of my wedding, for me, was when some close family friends pulled out a few bottles of wine that were from both my husband and my birth years. Everyone on our respective "teams" got to toast with the wine that symbolized each of us, and the giver told a wonderful story about how each reflected our very different personalities. It was pretty much the only part of our Hawaiian destination wedding that I didn't plan, and that moment is still so special to me, that it is the one thing that I would like recreate at my child(ren)s wedding.

Since I knew that I wanted to get wine from the LM's birth year, I figured I was some sort of genius to do it now, when the wine from 2007 is not only cheaper but easier to find. I can only imagine the expense and challenge it must have been to find wine from 1975, and 79, as was done for our wedding, so I figured I would just get a few cases now and store them until the little man either gets married, or has some other toast worthy accomplishment.

Which leads me to yet another blonde moment. (Do offense to my fair haired sisters out there.)

Yesterday, after doing a little research I went to a well known wine store and talked to the owner about ordering a few cases.

"What type of cellar do you have to keep these in?" He asked.

"Cellar?" I replied.

"Yeah, a cellar, a place to store wine... I'm sure you've heard of such a thing as a wine cellar."

Now totally embarrassed, I told the man the story of my wedding and what I was trying to accomplish here.

"That's sweet and all," he remarked, "but you are still going to need a cellar."

Cue my exit.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. Obviously you need a cellar. I completely and totally know that if wine is not stored right it will turn into vinegar. I intellectually know this fact, yet that didn't keep me from walking into the store and making a total fool of myself.

All I could think is that this wasn't even half as bad as the ceiling fan incident of 2008. Why, oh why, must these things always happen in front of other people?

As an aside while I was looking for pictures of the toast, I stumbled upon my second favorite memory from that day, doing the hula with my wedding party. Hard to believe it's been almost 7 years...

Wish I could say I was a little less "blonde" than I was then.... but alas, not much has changed.

You Can't Pick Your Nose, But You Can Pick Your Apples.

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful weekend! We were lucky enough to be blessed with out-of-town guests, as my best friend from law school and her three year old little boy came to visit the same my hubby was leaving for four long days (perfect timing right?) Together we celebrated the first few days of Fall by continuing our annual tradition of picking apples at our favorite local farm, and even though the weather outside felt more like mid-Summer, we were not complaining as the sun was shining and unlike my last few trips, no jackets were required.

We went to Lookout Farm, which is about 30 minutes from the City, for our apple picking adventure. I use the term "picking apples" loosely because, just like last year, we were having so much fun that we never got around to actually picking any apples. (Unless, of course, you consider my stop at the farm store where I "picked" up apples, apple picking? Yeah, I didn't think so.) Okay, so I'm a bad New Englander, but with all the activities that they have for kids, there was no way I was going to get my little man go and forage for fruit. 

What kind of activities you ask?

Well, first there was a petting zoo, where my little man and a donkey got into a stand off. I can assure you at this close of range the donkey was the one who blinked first.

There was a moon bounce (aka the death trap, think 10 toddlers in one cage.)

There were plenty of places for photo ops. My little guy couldn't decide if he preferred the tree or buffalo. I'm partial to the tree myself, that apple looks good enough to eat!

We drove the caterpillar multiple times. My guy took advantage of the lack of lines and marked his place up in the front for the majority of the morning.

 

Yes, that is a Camel, and yes, we were on it. No, it was nothing like when the girls in SATC 2 rode through the desert in Couture. Yes, it was still kind of fun despite my dislike of large animals.

We took the obligatory hay ride, which was my little man's favorite part given that he could sit behind a moving tractor for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's a country boy at heart. 

But mostly we played on the "park" that was on the farm. You can take the kid out of the park, but never the park out of the kid. I'm telling you this guy would live there if he could.

 

Lastly there was a maze which isn't all that big, but somehow we kept getting stuck on opposite sides. I think it may have something to do with the hyper (active) hyper drive that this kid has.

While we were there I was recognized by one of you dear readers who sent me the funniest email this morning. Lately this has been happening more often, and I never know quite what to say when someone thinks they know me but can't place from where. I guess I better work on my response, it still makes me nervous to say, "do you read..." because could you imagine if they didn't? 

As you can see we had a great time apple picking... err playing at the farm. 

If you live in the area and have young kids, this place is a must see!

I Could Get Used To This.

Yesterday, when I picked my Little Man up from school he said the following:

I'm sorry sometimes I was crying. I just really frustrated and mad because I get tired from school. 

Um, frustrated.... mad.... tired?

What, no screaming, no emotional breakdowns, no bi-polar fits on the floor. Are we actually, dare I say, communicating? As in, is he ACTUALLY expressing his emotions in thoughtful and calm manner? Are there pigs flying outside? Did I just die and go to heaven?

If this is how things go when they turn 3 then I may have to re-think my two child policy. It's too bad tomorrow we will probably be back to where we were last week.

Is it wrong that I would really like to adopt a 4 year old?

Actually communicating with my child..... I could get used to this.

My Stuff(es).

Lately my Little Man has become obsessively attached to a large pile of treasures (err crap) that he refers to as "my stuffes." Everywhere we go, "my stuffes" has to go with us. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with it sitting on the table next to us. It sits on the floor while he takes a bath, and when we leave the house a backpack full of his "stuffes" is usually hoisted over my shoulder. I have to be honest, while I will happily carry his booty everywhere we go, I really haven't taken the time to look at what his "stuffes" actually consists of.

Well, that was until last night.

Last night after I put him to bed I decided to take a peek at what was so important to my little man that it could never leave his side. At first glance this stuffes looked like your usual pile of kiddie junk, but upon closer inspection I found that some of his stuffes actually consisted of some of my stuff(es). Admittedly, I was halfway amused, and halfway horrified.

You can be the judge of which is the appropriate reaction.

Contents that I expected to find included:

• The Woody and Buzz he just got for his 3rd birthday.
• The entire Potato Head family, including all attachments and accessories.
• Some of the missing trees from his train table (yes, I am the mother that glued all of the parts to the table, apparently that did not stop him from pulling them off.)
• A couple of trains that he has found on the street over the last few months (of course he wouldn't like the ones that I actually purchased for him... that would be too easy!)

What I did not expect to find, and actually have been looking everywhere for are:

• A tape measure.
• A screwdriver.
• A wine opener.

Beyond the fact that these things are somewhat dangerous to my Little Man, and my furniture, I also learned another important lesson:

No more home improvement projects with my little helper, or more so no more drinking while doing home improvement projects with my little man. 

This morning he was pretty upset when he noticed some of his stuffes were missing. I broke down and gave him the tape measure back, and a "play" screw driver in lieu of the real deal.

The wine opener? Nope, that one is right back where it belongs. Could you imagine explaining that one to a stranger?

Note to self: Re-instal the broken safety locks in the kitchen.

The New Two Week Wait.

Usually when I talk about the two week wait, I am referring to the what feels like forever long wait to find out if we are pregnant or not. This month again there is that, but after 26 months, let's be honest here, most likely that is not going to happen (as in, give it up already, right?.)

Rather, this time around my two week wait is a countdown to our next and (hopefully) final IVF cycle. We have been here before, and of course we all know how that turned out, but this time around I am feeling much more confident, and a lot less apprehensive about moving forward with this process. Oh, and what a process it is. Over the weekend when my truckloads of medications arrived, I did not weep like I did last time, but instead with no emotion put them away in their respective spots in the fridge (for the record they prefer the back, filed along with the mustard and the ketchup.) I have learned that tears are wasted on that sort of thing.

Most of my comfort (or lack of discomfort) is due to the fact that I finally feel like I actually know what I am getting myself into. I know how it feels to be poked like a pin cushion, and how those hormones will make me a raging lunatic (can I please preemptively apologize to everyone I will come in contact with) for the next month. I now know about the repeated, daily, doctor's visits and how I can try to convince my toddler to sit still for just "one more minute" while mommy finishes getting poked and prodded for the 10th time that week. (Believe me when I say lollipops and an ipod go a long way at 8am.) I will no longer be surprised when something goes wrong, or like last time, when our goal of creating three or four embryos turns into sixteen or seventeen causing my stomach to look and feel like I am already nine months pregnant (this is why god invented yoga pants, right?) Further, this go around I will not be caught off guard when I am faced with the excruciating pain of hyper stimulation, and I will be prepared for the weeks of bed rest that will surely follow if I am able to successively implant that little embryo. (Books on the Kindle; check, babysitter standing by; check; family ready for a "visit;" check, check, check.) Lastly, this time I will not be overly optimistic assuming that if you put a completely viable embryo in a perfectly primed uterus, that this will actually result in a pregnancy. Nope, this time around I know that there are no guarantees and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

This time around I'll be ready.

Two weeks?

Bring. It. On.

Shut The Front Door.

Yesterday an announcement was made that sent shock waves through the urban baby world. Shock waves!

Bugaboo has finally created a way to turn your single stroller into a double. I repeat, BUGABOO HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO TURN YOUR SINGLE STROLLER INTO A DOUBLE.

Listen, this is about 6 years later than it should have been, but luckily for us non-pregos (I prefer this term over the last. infertiles) it will be coming just in time for when we may be needing to push around two little ones.

Drumroll please.....
Behold the Bugaboo Donkey.*
(Cheers, applause, more cheers.)

Source

Source

bugaboo donkey from bugaboo on Vimeo.

Is it wrong that I consider this a work of art?

*Could they really not have come up with a more appealing animal? Camel comes to mind....

Who Do You Think You Are, Superman?

Every Fall/ Winter I add exactly two new sweaters to my wardrobe. I try to invest in quality pieces that will hold up from year to year, so two is just the right amount to spiff up my wardrobe during those long, cold months. I don't usually stick to one trend when making my purchases (in fact I try to focus more on timeless pieces given that I will be wearing them year after year,) but I guess this season I bought on trend and only realized it when after seeing me for two days in a row, my husband asked, "who do you think you are, Superman?" "Why, because of my awesome super powers, I replied?" "Um, no... because for the past two days you have left the house looking like you are wearing a cape... well, that or a garbage bag." 

Yes, it looks like I fell victim to one of Fall's hottest trends, the Cape Sweater, and no, they look nothing like a garbage bag. (Eye roll to the fashion challenged husband.)

Seriously, what is there not to love about a cape sweater? It's roomy, easy, perfect for pre- and post pregnancy, and I can wear it with my skinny jeans all winter long, and the best part is no one will ever be able to see the extra plate of pasta that I just couldn't turn down.

Since their arrival, I've been pairing these babies with flats, motorcycle boots, moccasins (to which my husband asked, who do you think you are Pocahontas,) really this look goes with anything and everything. You can even wear them with tights and a skirt. That is what you call a multi-functional piece!

I may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but at least I'll look good (and be warm) while being the superhero of this family.

The top sweater is from Theory, and the bottom from Dress, made my Cynthia Vincent.

First Day of School and I'm Holding My Breath.

Today marks the first day of a new school year for my Little Man.

He woke up this morning beaming with excitement and after patiently waiting until 1pm he practically skipped all the way to school.

Of course, he had to first pose for the obligatory "first day" picture for the scrapbook.

But soon he was off to tackle his archnemesis from last year, the red slide. To go on it you had to be 2.9 years of age and my boy just barely missed the cutoff last time around.

Feeling pretty grown up, he made his way inside.

At first he wasn't so sure about going into the classroom.

However, after a few minutes with his buddies, he was feeling right at home. 

As one of the mothers put it, "they are like wolves, they travel in packs." 

He barely noticed when I left the room, and this will definitely go down as another super successful transition for my growing boy.

I realize that I should be sitting here feeling over the moon about the fact that my little guy will now be happily occupied 3 hours a day, 5 days a week (we set this up obviously thinking I would be home with baby number 2) but I have to admit that a big part of me can't help but to hold my breath.

Why you ask?

Because I can 100% guarantee that today one of the three following things is going to come out of that angelic little mouth.

1. Frickin' A. (The award for that one goes to Mom.)
2. I've got a dump in my pants. (Dad can take the credit for that little gem.)
3. or, I've got a penis, do you have a penis, can I see it? (Honestly, I have NO idea where that came from.)

Welcome to the mis-education of my little man.

For some reason I'm pretty sure that neither of these things are on the curriculum list.... but on the upside I don't think they can kick us out for it.

Can they?

Sometimes You Just Need an Expert.

If there is one thing that my husband and I argue about more than anything, it is how we should decorate our home (not just more than anything but by a landslide more than anything.) It is the one part of our lives that we truly refuse to compromise on, and we have such differing ideas on what we want, that we often give up an do nothing (hence the bare walls.) You would think deciding whether or not we should have another baby would be the main discussion at the dinner table every night, but compared to deciding on a new dresser, debating the value of having (or not) more children, pales in comparison. I know, the latter is only life changing, right?

In the end our common vision is the same, we both equally want a home that is whimsical, reflects our varying personalities, and that is unique without being over the top. We both like clean and uncluttered spaces, and are willing to wait to purchase items if in the end we know that we will get a higher quality piece that we love, rather than getting something to fill the space that down the road we will be looking to replace. This we agree on. What we don't agree on is how to fill that vision. If my husband had it his way we would live in a white room, with white furniture, and steel walls. Yes, the man likes modern. Like, really modern. I, on the other hand, and more functional and understand that a 3 year old is not going to do well living in a museum, so I tend to be more practical. If I had my dream home it would look something like Diane Keaton's in Something's Got To Give, but the problem is that my version of this has two major issues, 1) we don't live in a multi million dollar cape home and thus is all wrong for a urban apartment, and 2) it would end up looking exactly like a page out of a Potterybarn catalog, which in no way reflects who we are as a family, which is the exact opposite of what we want. So in the end these conflicting design strategies have basically left us stuck in the mud.

Well, when my amazing designer friend was visiting I explained this problem to her, and within minutes she said all we need is a little help from an expert. A mediator of sorts. She listened to what we both wanted, showed us some new design websites, and by the time we finished the last bottle of wine we had (on paper) finished decorating the remainder of our home (future nursery excluded.) Having a third party in the conversation allowed us to talk about what we wanted in a more clinical way, and when you add in her talent we were able to to in two hours what we haven't been able to do in two years. (I can assure you that the three bottles of wine didn't hurt things either.) After she left we both felt as though we could breathe a sigh of relief because we finally agreed on what we wanted to have our home look like, and those of you who know us in real life know that us agreeing is nothing short of a miracle.

The pieces were chosen to tie into some surf art we ordered a few months ago, and I am so excited because I think that by Christmas I should finally be living in a space that is something that feels like home to me, rather than a place that is begging to be lived in. Over the next few months it should all come together, and once I have it painted and furnished the rooms I will be sharing what I hope are some amazing before and after shots. For now here is a glimpse of what will be trickling in this Fall.

Living Room.

Master Bedroom.

Sometimes you just need an expert...

Move over Little Man, you are not the only one who is going to have a fully furnished room in this house.*

*The only reason that this is the case is because my husband wanted nothing to do with that room, thus allowing me to do whatever I wanted... which by the way I think turned out pretty awesome.

A Little Under The Weather.... I Blame The Weather.

It's noticeably cooler outside which means this is the time of the year that I always get a cold. Isn't amazing how as you get older you can start to actually predict these things? I have started a million and one blog posts today (or 4,) but I think the sudafed has either blocked my creativity, or I've finally run out of things to say. Since hell hasn't frozen over, I'm pretty sure it's the former. I had a perfect weekend, which was topped off by a last minute visit with my sister-in-law that included some pre-winter retail therapy (I finally broke down and got a proper winter coat) and some quality time with my husband and Little Man. I feel like should be getting everything prepared for the LM's first day of school on Wednesday, but for the rest of the afternoon that will have to wait as I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my sofa, in my pj's, drinking tea, while I snuggle up with this little face. 

This is just what the doctor ordered.

Baby Steps.

Speaking of adding to our family, a few weeks ago we added something to our home that both my husband and I swore we would never allow in the house. Yes, we got a pet. I use the term "pet" loosely because I realize most people consider a betta fish to be something closer to a houseplant than and actual house animal, but for my little man this little red fish has become his new best friend. Seriously. Ever since Dory Shark Anderson* (full name given by my boy) entered our home my little man has been mildly obsessed with his existence. He wakes up every morning asking, "can we feed Dory yet?" and I will often come upstairs to find him on the counter talking to him trough the glass (err plastic.) I realize that if we had gotten a dog instead his mind would actually be blown, but our toe is officially in the water, and maybe down the road we will consider getting a pet that is a little more, how should I say, interactive? For now this little fishy is our baby step.

* I'm pretty sure we may have watched Finding Nemo one to many times.

No Casegoods But a Whole Lot of Love.

I had a amazing time at Brimfield yesterday, but I am sad to report that this time I came home empty handed. There were still quite a bit of goodies (aka crap) left, but since I was on a mission to find three very important things, and only those three things, I had such a narrow vision of the market that I probably wouldn't have seen something else even if I had wanted to. On my list was a white antique sideboard (more 60's era than beachy,) a red ceramic vase, and turquoise foo dogs. I left 0 for 3, but as expected my stomach was filled with some delicious fried dough topped with mounds of powdered sugar, so really, who was I to complain? I had a great time walking the market with my best friend who is currently 5 months pregnant with her third beautiful baby (let me tell you if there was ever a picture of a Yummy Mummy, inside and out, this girl would be the mascot) and I left feeling rejuvenated and excited about what the future hold for our little family.

Walking in the fresh country air (without a toddler in tow) gave me a lot of time to think about the decision that we have to make regarding whether or not we should proceed with the IVF cycle next. The answer that is in my head now is, yes, yes we should absolutely do everything we can to try to add another member to our already happy family. I don't know why, but now I no longer have any doubt, and I truly feel like we are making the right decision to at least try again. As I was talking with my girlfriend things just started to clear up in my mind, and I know that we are more than ready for this challenge. Unlike last time, this go-round, after everything we have been through, I am much more at peace with the whole process. I don't have any unreasonable expectations, and I now feel that even if it doesn't work these next few tries, we are, and will continue to be a family, a whole family.

I know I didn't get to this place on my own. I have each and everyone of you who commented, emailed, and shared your thoughts and stories with me to thank. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear the stories of how each of your families came about, and knowing that we are not the only ones who struggle with these decisions, and choices has made me feel less alone, and a lot more confident that any decision that we make, now or in the future, will be the right one for our family. You have all made me feel so loved, and supported, and I am once again so grateful for the opportunity to share my life with you, as openly as possible, because what it brings back to me is invaluable. So, thank you dear readers and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for everything.

We have a few weeks before the madness begins, so I'll be back here writing as usual and of course I will keep you posted as soon we begin the process of making another little one.

As the wise Chris Martin once said (sang), "Nobody said it was easy...."

Again thank you all.

What If We Didn't?

Whew, so I finally have my computer back after almost two weeks of having to beg, borrow, and steal (literally, my sister was about to kill me) to try to get online. I feel like I have so much to discuss, but really there is only one thing that has been on my mind these past few weeks. There was no amount of painting, or re-decorating, that was going to answer the question for me (although it was a nice distraction let me tell you) and even as I'm typing now I am not 100% sure where my head is at.

It all began a few weeks back when my husband sent me this article. He came home and asked the question that neither of us had even considered over the past two years; what if we didn't have another baby. Sure, we have asked, what if we can't have another baby, but we (especially me) had never once considered not having another child, by choice. Until he said those words I can honestly tell you this thought never crossed my mind. Never. For as long as I can remember I always thought that I would have two children. I never once discussed my family without using the plural "kids." I was an only child (until late in my teenage years,) my mother was an only child, my grandmother was an only child, and even my father was for all intents and purposes (that applied to me) an only child (his siblings were much older.) We used to joke that my entire family could fit in a Toyota Corolla, it was funny only because it was true. Because of this I have always craved a large family. When it came to having children I truly believed that I was in some way harming my Little Man if I didn't create a sibling for him. I realize that this is a completely irrational thought, and I know many people, my family members included, who are happy with the fact that they were able to grow up as an only child. I also recognize that just because you have a sibling, this is no guarantee of closeness among the children, and I certainly have seen families where the competition between the 2 or 3 kids, absolutely outweighs any type of loving relationship. I recognize all of this, I understand it, and on paper I can wrap my arms around it, but what I couldn't do is translate this to my own child. I believed (and part of me still does) that my LM would/ will be better off if he had a brother or sister.

I'm pretty sure this is why my husband sent me the article. In short, it gave me an out. An out that I have never once allowed myself, and an out I am now struggling with whether or not I should take. In short, (in case you don't to read it) it says that studies have shown that only children are actually (statistically) better off. It says that they are more successful (depending on how you consider success) and more emotionally secure. This is solely due to the fact that they are the only one. All the attention, resources, and time is given to only them. People used to think this created spoiled and needy children, but studies are now showing that this just isn't the case for the majority of only children. The last thing I want to do here is argue whether that is or isn't correct (take that up with the editor of Time) and certainly having the relationship that I do with my sister, I can see value in my life that was never discussed by the author of the piece. So while I may not whole heartily agree with what was said, reading that really opened my eyes to the fact that we simply cannot have another baby because the LM will be harmed if we don't. What I took away from reading it is that he is going to be just fine either way. So if we aren't having a baby because we have to (remember this was my line of thinking) than why do we want to bring another child into this world?

This is where the lawyer in me kicked in. In my head I drafted a pros and cons list.

Yes, I'm being serious.

The obvious pro is that I love being a mother. I love everything about motherhood, the ups, the downs, all of it. I have never been more comfortable in my own skin, and more in love with anything than I am with my little man. For good or bad, he is my life, and I can only imagine what having two kids would mean to our family. From what I've heard you love your second as much as your first, and although right now that seems unimaginable to me, I know that we have more than enough time and love to raise another child. Also on my "pro" list is that I cannot ignore the fact that I gave up my career to stay home and raise babies, plural. I'm not 100 % sure I would have made the same decision if I thought that in 5 years I would be able to go back to work. In just two short years my little man will be in school full time, and I will have been out of the workforce just long enough to be pretty much unemployable. Yes, I can find something else to do, but when I made the decision to stay home I considered it to be one for the long haul, and I have never regretted it. I guess I'm afraid that if we don't have another baby than maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to give up everything I worked for.

Also in the pro column (and my husband thinks I'm crazy for this one) is that I just can't shake the thought that if we only have one child, and something happens to him, how on earth are we supposed to go on. I know this is morbid, and is certainly not a reason to have another child, but I always think back to this blog I used to read written by a mother who lost her son to terminal cancer, and I am haunted by the statement when she said that the only reason she gets out of bed every day is because she has her other children to live for. I can not even fathom the grief she must feel every day, and how much that would only be intensified if you were to lose your only child. I also think about the fact that there is no guarantee that my LM will grow up and stay close to us, emotionally or geographically. Shouldn't this factor into wanting another child? (I do realize that that there is no guarantee that any of this can't happen with the second child as well.) Of course there are the other considerations, financially, physically, emotionally, etc we can absolutely raise another child and if we are lucky enough to get pregnant than why wouldn't we go for it? (Obviously at this point that is a big if.)

On the other hand there are cons. Cons that I never considered until a few weeks ago. Right now we have a pretty great life. I have a beautiful, energetic, and healthy son, and as my husband likes to say, we've "made it" with him. He is walking, talking, sleeping through the night in a big boy bed. He is fun to be around, easy to travel with, and the three of us just seem to work. If you consider our lifestyle one kid just makes sense. We love to travel, plan on living in the city forever, my husband is very dedicated to his work, and the little man seems perfectly happy being the center of our universe. I also simply cannot ignore the fact that it would be A LOT easier to just stop now. No more sleepless nights, and crying, and teething, and temper tantrums. Having been through that all before, I can tell you I'm not really looking forward to that infant stage again (although the snuggles really are like nothing else.)

I also have been very much swayed by the idea that if we only have one child than we can give everything to him. Not in a spoiled, silver spoon sort of way, but there would be no doubt that he could travel the world, go to any school we wanted, public or private, and generally get all of the time and love that we have. And if I believe, as I do, that we are not hurting him by not having a sibling, than is there anything wrong with being happy with just him. If you add in our struggles conceiving, at what point do we (I) decide the Little Man is enough?

If I'm being honest here one of the main reasons why I have wanted a baby for so long is that I felt like less of a mother because I only had one child. I realize this may sound insane and I don't see other mothers of singletons like that, but internally I have felt like everyone around me is going through the trials and tribulations of raising multiple children, and because I only have one,  I've felt that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm only giving 100% and that they are giving 200-300 percent. A friend of mine laughed when I told her this, and tried to convince me that people can only give 100 percent and the more kids you have that percent is divided rather than multiplied, but even now I still feel like we have it too easy if we just stop now. (To which my husband always says, you do realize this is supposed to be fun rater than work all the time.)

Not to drone on and on, but these are the thoughts that have continually been running through my head for the past two weeks. This is all heightened by the fact that we are about to start another IVF cycle in two weeks so it really is make it or break it time. I know you're thinking we should just put it off, but with my husband's travel schedule for work, and family obligations it's either now or next April, and honestly I just need us to decide one way or another. I feel this is something that has been hanging over our head for over two years now, and it is time for us to come to a decision about our family.

I am putting all of this out there and I honestly don't know where I am at. I am definitely leaning one way, but even typing this I have so much doubt. This weekend I was really okay with not having another baby, even a little excited that the weight could finally be lifted of my shoulders, but then after taking to a very good friend who said, "once you see your second child you will never regret having that baby," I am just so torn. My friend is right, I would never regret another baby, but I could definitely see regretting the choice not to down the road. Really, I don't want to take the easy road out just because it's easier.

So there it is.

I ordered the fertility meds and last night my husband and I decided that we would be stupid not to go forward with the plan next month. I have to admit that I was very angry with him for a while for putting this doubt in my head, but now I am more thankful than anything because if this next go-round doesn't work than at least I know, for the first time, that I could be very happy with out family of three. I really don't know what is right for our family, but my gut really is telling me that if/once we have that second baby (which will 100% be the last) we will not have made the "wrong" choice.

I would love to hear any thoughts that you all have on this. I have received some amazing emails from you over the years on this topic and I am so unbelievably grateful for all of them. I'm sure that some negative commentators will have a field day with this, but as always the positive feedback and support that I receive from you all every day absolutely outweighs any of that silliness.

Ugh, being a grown up really sucks sometimes. Don't you all wish we could just get one quick peek at the future?

Held Hostage.

I'm at Apple.

My computer was missing.

Now it's been found.

Nothing was backed up.

Now they want to hold it hostage for even longer.

I'll be back to blogging when they release the prisoner.

Please hang with me.

While you're at it say a little prayer too.