Yesterday I lost it.
I have spent the last few days feeling so nauseous that I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I woke up yesterday at 6 am so sick I thought I was going to die. Rather than dying I took a much anticipated home pregnancy test, and was 100 percent sure that I was going to run out and tell my hubby, "I'M PREGNANT." The test result?
Negative as in "not pregnant."
What does that mean? Hell if I know. See the thing was yesterday I was 12 days past my FET (frozen embryo transfer.) Is that too early? Who knows. Am I still having unbelievable pregnancy symptoms? Absolutely. Did this make me crazy? You betcha.
So back to me losing it. After the test I went into a bit of a downward spiral. I spent the little man's entire nap tearing though infertility chat rooms looking for others who had a negative at home test, and a positive blood test days later. Luckily, there were dozens of stories of this happening. Unluckily, there were even more stories of a negative being a negative and worse there were hundreds of tragic stories of people who had literally been trying to get pregnant but sadly had ill-fated pregnancies, some one after another.
Needless to say this is not the type of thing that I should have/ or should be reading. It seems as though people turn to these rooms for support, but for me I found the opposite. It made me more depressed, and not just for myself but for the thousands of women out there who are dying to be a mother and can't. I simply cannot imagine what life would be like if I didn't have the LM and had to go through this year after year, disappointment after disappointment.
That was yesterday.
Today I woke up feeling much better. Still sick, but mentally much better. I did not take a test and have spent most of the day not thinking about it. Tomorrow is our blood test and I have to hold out hope that we will get good news. My husband kept reminding me over and over last night that there is a reason the doctor demands a blood test after two weeks and not an at home pregnancy test after 12.
He's a smart guy so I banking on him being right on this one.
So tomorrow's the day. Plain and simple. Tomorrow afternoon we should have our answer, and as soon as we let our families know I will be sure to let the world know whether our little embryo decided to take up residence here.
File this 2 week wait under things that really suck.