Mere Mortals.

It has been said that Supermodels are nothing more than genetic mutants. Really, how else could someone end up that tall and that thin with such perfect hair and skin?

 I have my own theory. They are really just aliens from another planet sent here to force us all to try to attain some unattainable standard of beauty. 

Take Giselle for example. She's been quoted as saying that she doesn't have to wear foundation or even brush her hair. Guess what she gets for all that "effort"? Yea, to look like this.

And then there is Allesandra Ambrisio who looks like this 5 months after having a baby. I put in the "before" picture because I too do not believe it.

Hedi, yeah well she's had three kids prior to this photo being taken. 

Bitch.

The reason that I am mentioning this is that the word on the street is that Giselle has joined my gym. Now that she is supposedly engaged to Tom Brady (which of course she denies) I imagine she will be spending quite a bit of time there during football season.

OK, if I have to run on the treadmill next to this? Hmmm that's going to do wonders for a girl's self esteem. Really, shouldn't "these people" have their own gym. A gym for people with the same "abnormalities" as they have? 

I'm just saying, if I see her in my Yoga class I may just have to trip her.

Dear Equinox.

Our one year anniversary is just around the corner and at this point for our relationship to progress I feel as though there are some things that we need to discuss.

1. Parking. I realize that you are a downtown city gym. This is the main reason why I chose you as my gym. In the summer I have no problem walking to you or taking the T, but as the leaves begin to turn the little man and I prefer to drive. Novel concept I know. I do appreciate your five dollar 3 hour parking. Really I do. However, don't you think you should have mentioned that if you exceed that 3 hour limit (even by one minute as I did) that you then have to pay full price? I would really like to thank you for that 28 dollar cup of coffee. Also would it be so difficult in your five story garage to create a "gym parking only" section? There is nothing that I love more than being 10 minutes late for yoga because I was driving in circles looking for parking. 
2. Security. I realize that you are situated below a very "important" investment company, with very "important" people who work there, but when my baby and I enter the building do you really have to look at me like I am a terrorist and my little man is a nuclear bomb. We have been coming to you for 11 months no less than three days a week, you know me, you know my son. Would it really hurt you to smile or say hello when you are programing the elevator for my floor? I promise we don't bite. Well I don't and the little man is strapped down. Given you are 6'5" and 250 lbs I think you will be OK.
3. Speed. I have yet to have the same person to check me in at the front desk. I can only imagine the turnover in this profession. Might I offer a suggestion? When you are training these new employees maybe you should teach them that sometimes people are in a hurry to get to class. Especially the frantic ones holding 25lb babies. Maybe the flirting or talking on the phone can be put on hold for just one second so I could get my kid's club pass, validation, and be on my way? Again, just a thought.
4. Kid's Club. Speaking of the kid's club, this is the reason I joined your gym. Might you consider disconnecting the Internet to the computers that are supposed to be for the older children. If I wanted my son to watch someone check their email all day I would just keep him up during his naps and he could watch me. Yes he can play by himself, but just a little more interaction please?
5. Posers. OK, I realize that your gym is a bit of a meat market and that this is where the "pretty" people go to mingle, but isn't their any way to force the people to work out? Today in Yoga there was a girl. Dressed to the nine's in full makeup, and the perfect Lululemon outfit. She had her own designer Yoga mat and matching bag. Oh, and she was positioned dead center in the front row. Damn I thought she must be a pro. Not so much. Listen, I am the last person to Yoga judge, I am about as flexible as a yard stick. I have been practicing for 7 years and I still can't touch my toes (this is why they make blocks and straps I say) given this I do not sit front row center. So I was watching yoga twit. Not only was it obvious that this was her first class, but she didn't even listen. How am I supposed to breathe during my triangle when Yoga twit is falling on the floor after attempting reverse warrior. Here is a suggestion. If you watch the instructor rather than the guy next to me maybe you would be able to keep up. That reminds me, guy next to me. Can you not look at my ass the entire class? I agree that it is a nice looking tush but it really breaks my concentration constantly having to turn away from you. Maybe next time you should focus on Yoga twit, clearly the only reason you come to this class is to stare at the ladies.

Look, we are not breaking up and on our one year anniversary when my contract expires I will not be leaving you. You and your boot camp are the ones who gave me my best body ever 16 weeks after baby and for that I will be forever grateful. I just think we need to work our way through these things, because baby you are not the only catch in town. LA fitness keeps knocking at my door and one day I may have to answer. I heard that this is where Matthew McCanoughey works out when he is in town. Let me tell you if there is anyone who I want checking out my tush, it's him!