The Adoption Story.

Monday, May 3, 2010


Lately I've been thinking more and more about adoption (after seeing this beautiful picture of Sandra Bullock's baby how could you not?) We haven't given up on the IVF process at all but I think we need to take a real look into the possibility that there is a chance that we might not be able to conceive in the next 3 or 4 tries. After that we lose our insurance coverage for this type of care and I can easily see my husband and I turning to adoption in search for our baby. I've been poking around on the Internet a bit and a lot of the information that I have seen isn't all that informative. From what I gather it depends on the country, agency, timing, etc. In short I haven't seen any clear answers. I know quite a few of you readers have adopted or know someone who has an adoption story, so if you have any information you would be willing to share in the comments I would be unbelievably grateful. Not knowing that much about the process, here are my initial reactions to the idea of adopting.

I would be comfortable adopting domestically or internationally. I would like for the adoption to be "closed" or at a maximum I would like very minimal contact with the birth parents. Race is not an issue. Ideally I would like a newborn. Gender is not an issue, but if I was given a choice I would lean towards a girl. I cannot imagine a 4 year wait, I would like to look at a place that would allows for a speedier adoption (assuming that all the precautions for the birth family are in place.) I would not be looking to become a foster guardian if there is a chance that we would have to give custody back to the original parents. As soon as we make the decision we would be ready to go, there would be no lag time on our end. The cost would not be a huge consideration.

I actually feel bad listing these things out. I realize it's not like a menu that we are ordering from but somehow writing it down feels that way. From what I gather these type of issues that need to be considered and I feel like if I am not honest in the beginning then somewhere along the line we would become uncomfortable in the process.

We have always believed that a family is a family no matter how it comes about. I have half-sisters, step parents, etc. I would ideally like to have a natural sibling for my Little Man, but if we are unable to do this on our own then I am hoping that the missing piece to our little family would be waiting for us somewhere out there.





9 comments :

The Missus said...

Definitely info I am interested in having as well. I think by the time I might be ready for kids, adoption will be the best option for me. And I do not want to foster. I do want a new born.

LouBoo said...

Hi - I think this is a brave post...and I don't blame you for detailing things; I think it kind of has to be that way. I wish I had info to offer but not really. One of my colleagues did foster a newborn and after a year got custody and adopted. I know she tried lots of different angles but this particular organisation that places babies of drug addicts was the best bet, as she was a single mum. Anyway, she got him at 4 days old, just before Christmas last year - like a bolt out the blue and now, he is hers. Louise x

Grace in CO said...

Hi Yummy! Congratulations on considering this amazing option. My best friend in the world has adopted two beautiful children from South Korea and from supporting her through this process 2 times, saw that the first step is to be sure that the adoption is ethical. Two good resources are: ethicanet.org and informedadoptions.com. From an emotional standpoint, I saw it can be just as exciting and anxiety ridden as any pregnancy or fertility quest, so keep doing what you are doing to get support and love. Best of luck however your baby comes to you!

Polly said...

Good Luck YM - I have nothing useful to offer, but I think its good that you are taking so much into consideration and are clear about your wants. I don't see it as a bad thing. xx

Kriss said...

As as adoptive mother, I feel like I can say this..... don't feel bad listing what you want out of adoption. You have to chose what situation is best for your family! I can also say adoption is very rewarding and was the best move I ever made. It didn't take away my desire to get pregnant but it ultimately gave me what I wanted which was to be a mother and love love love another little person! We ultimately adopted two times from foster care (I adopted a 34 mth and 5 day old sibling group) and then three years later had the opportunity to adopted their full blooded sibling at 30 hours old. At first I was very closed minded to knowing their birth family especially since it was through Child Protective Services. We developed a relationship with their bio great grandparents a year after our adoption (they were the only one's suitable to take the children but they are in their 70's). It has been an awesome relationship, one I don't mind having. It's been so nice to be able to call them if medical issues arise, to be able to gather information and pictures for MY children when they are older. It's taken almost three years but it's a relationship we have nurtured and we are family. The kids call them Granny Betti and Papa Bill. I don't think they fully understand but in the end the kids have a ton of people who are vested in them. It's often weird for me to hear the great grandparents tell us what a great job we are doing or that they love us. Especially since we adopted "their kids" but they are so happy the kids are safe and we have become part of that family and we love them too. We are really open about adoption here and celebrate our Forever Family date on their adoption finalization day (we were able to adopt baby #3 the very same day as the first two) every year with cake and presents. I hope when they get older because of our openness and the information we have been able to provide/protect that it will give them security. They won't feel like they need to find out who they are because it's already at their fingertips. I have lots of friends that have adopted and open adoptions have been a postive experience. I say all of this not to change your mind but to plant a seed...openess can be a good thing!
-kriss

Maegan said...

I admire your openess and wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Hang in there and in the end whatevr you decide will be right for YOUR family.

mommy said...

I too and an adoptive mother, though we chose to go with a private adoption agency. You should def not feel bad about knowing what you want and what you don't want. Without getting into too much detail on a comment, if you really want a newborn, domestic adoption is almost your only bet. Almost all foreign adoptions require a significant amount of delay before bringing the baby home. I admire you for thinking about this now and being able to think about it as a realistic option for you and your family. My son is 6 months old and we just couldn't be happier! We are in a semi-open adoption (yes, there are MANY levels of openness!) If you ever needed more information, I can share more with you!

Jean Therapy said...

I've been a long time lurker and have to admit, I was wondering if adoption was something you might consider. And was a little sad that it seemed to be a topic that wasn't up for debate, until today.

I was adopted. I have two older brothers who are not adopted. My parents really wanted a girl and weren't taking any chances ;)

There are quite a few of us adoptees out there (at one point 3 out of 4 of my employees happened to be adopted as well!), and I'm certain that many of us would be willing to discuss our experiences. I know I would be!

I'm a total Daddy's girl but the best thing is that I'm totally my Mom's clone in so many ways (well except for looks). I'm her daughter thru and thru. We sound alike on the phone and have the same qualities and habits. She always told me that when I arrived on the plane and was put in her arms, it was exactly like giving birth to my two brothers. I really have a fantastic family and had an amazing childhood and this was back in the 70's so you know times have changed and well people are a lot more progressive and open with their thinking these days. I would sometimes get stared at when I would be out with my family but that doesn't happen all that often anymore (my niece is adopted).

Sometimes I'm sad that I don't know "who" I look like, but I do know where I belong. And honestly, that's really all that matters to me.

My brother also recently adopted a baby girl from Korea after he and my sister in law had two biological boys. I believe the process took about 2 years. If you'd like information about the agency they used, I'd be happy to send that to you.

Best of luck and I'm glad to hear adoption is a possibility!

The Mama In Red said...

We have some dear friends in the same place as you, and as they faced their last IVF treatment, the reality set in that it was unlikely to take. But if they adopted, they could spend the same amount of money and be guaranteed a child. They chose adoption from Columbia. They realized how many kids weren't adopted because they are family and ended up with three boys. They are older, twins of 4 and 7, and it has been a bumpy road, but these are absolutely their kids. They also did closed adoption. And they have never looked back. It's an admirable thing to do. Good luck.