Chicken.

This morning I got a call from our fertility doctor. It went something like this.

Dr.: Are you alive.

Me: Um, yes... I believe so.

Dr: Well, I was just wondering since you seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth since your last IVF cycle. 

Me: Oh yeah, sorry about that.

Dr.: So... we were just wondering if you were still in need of our services.

Me: Yes, and No.

Dr.: Care to explain?

Me: I still VERY much would like to get pregnant, but I'm holding out hope that we can maybe do this the old fashioned way. 

Dr.: So how's that working out for you?

Me: Funny you should ask... so far not so good.

Dr.: So....

Me: Um...

Dr.: Shall I schedule your next appointment. 

Me.: Yes, yes, you absolutely should. 

Dr.: When would you like to come in.

Me: How about never October. 

Dr. You sure you want to wait that long?

Me: No... I mean absolutely. 

Okay, okay it didn't go exactly like that, but you get the gist.

I realize it was unfair of me just to disappear from the practice without a word, but I have just been so convinced that we can make this baby on our own that I figured it would be a nice surprise to call them with the great news rather than having another dud embryo put in again. I mean really, how boring is that.* The bottom line is I think that I am just chicken.

We went into the Clomid mess, and then the IVF debacle so blindly that I had no idea, at the time, what exactly I was getting myself into. I wanted a baby so badly that I was willing to do almost anything, and since "anything" meant pumping my body with an oil spill worth of hormones, than at the time I thought thought nothing of it. Now, well, I just don't feel the same.

I have been hormone free for 3 months now, and I can clearly see what those things will do to you. In short, they made me crazzzzyyyyyyy. Crazy with a capital C, and not only did they mess with my mind, but they also killed my skin, and for a few month made me as bloated as the goodyear blimp. Now that I have been off the fertility sauce I again look, and feel, like myself again. While I still very much want another baby, this time I am not going to be so quick to give that up.

Let me rephrase, I'm not so quick to give that up yet.

I've given myself 6 months to fell like "myself." Right now we are on month three, and are currently in middle of the endless two week wait.** 6 months to make this baby on our own, or at least 6 months not to be a "psycho" as my husband has lovingly called my behavior during that time. It's make it (literally) or break it time, and I can assure you I am up to the challenge. Come October, I will again take, inject, or do anything and everything it takes to end this two year journey, but for now I am just happy to feel like a normal person. A normal, hormone free person.

The baby, well that will come, that is something that I am sure about.

* I kid, I kid.
** For all you fertiles the two week wait is the time between when you have the sexy time and find out whether or not you have the bun in the oven.