The Little Man's Do Not Call List.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I hate telemarketers. Hate them with a burning passion. I don't mind so much the calls per se, I get it, it's a job, and for most people and it can't be a very enjoyable one at that. Honestly, can you imagine waking up every day knowing that you are only going to talk to people who are either 1) rude, 2) annoyed, or 3) both. It's probably a similar feeling to having to deal with a 2 year old, who never grows up, every day, for the rest of your professional life. Yeah, that must be some kind of hell.

The calls I don't mind, but what I do mind is when the caller won't take NO! for an answer. Not when said in my sweetest voice, not when said politely, not when said with a stern and assured tone, not even when threatened with a call to the phone police (I'm pretty sure they exist, right.) Usually, I can get them to leave me alone with a quick, "I'm on the do not call list, you know?" But for one company (who for now will remain nameless,) they just wont quit. Every day the phone rings at 9am, and then again at 7pm, and the caller id on my screen always shows the same annoying name and number. I thought maybe it was some type of computer that was serial calling me, but to my amazement, the one time I answered there was actually a human on the other end of the phone. I again politely explained that we were not interested, they finally let me off the line, and I thought we were done with it.

Until the next morning.

Yep, same time, same place, same number. Rather than sending it to voicemail I decided to fight fire with fire. I thought of the most annoying person I know (said only with love it my heart) and I put my kid on the phone.





"Um, is your mother home?"

"I two and half"

"Can I talk to you mother?"

"Hi! I have a cracker, you see my cracker?"

"Can I speak to your parent."

"Happy Birthday!"

"Give the phone to your mother." (who at this point is probably heard cracking up in the background.)

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELMNOP, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, WHY, and Z.

"You need to put your mommy on the phone!"

"I two and half.... bbbbyyyyyyeeeee."


As you can see it has its own way of getting rid of those pesky calls. One would think that they would put me on some kind of, "kill yourself before ever calling this number," list, but rather I think I may have found myself of the, "this bitch thinks she's funny, let's now call her four times a day, show her who's boss list," because now they seem to be calling ALL THE TIME. That's okay I say, my Little Man has plenty of songs in his little repertoire and a penchant for never hanging up first.

Call me... I dare you.

P.S. I'd be happy to put my kid on tape for all of you with the same problem. Really, why should we be the ones having all the fun?


Chicago Cuisine Critique said...

That's awesome :)

Grams said...

Totally awesome and hilariously funny. I can't stop laughing.

Anonymous said...


Mira said...

That's gold! I had a similar experience... except the telemarketer thought I was a child (I've been told by friends that I sound young over the phone) and asked if "Mummy or Daddy are home". Always the opportunist, I played it up and answered "No. No they're not." to which she just said "Ok." and hung up. I use it every time now, but a recording of your LM would certainly be handy. I'll order 1 copy thanks : )
Have a lovely day. x

Diana said...

I hereby give you permission to be rude to telemarketers and hang up on them. They are invaders into your home and sanctity so my be polite?

Some telemarketing companies record how long you are on the phone - not how interested you seem - the longer you are on the phone the more likely they are to call back! They assume that if you listen to the spiel you might eventually cave and buy whatever they are selling.

My response is to talk over them "please put us on your do not call list" and then hang up. I don't even wait for a breath. It took some time to feel ok about this but now it it's much less frustrating than being polite.

A Proper Bostonian said...

Uh, why don't you register your number on the national Do Not Call list? It might be less fun for your little boy, but the telemarketers would then be legally required to stop bothering. I get maybe six calls a year now.

Anonymous said...

I just ask them if they can hold. And then I leave them there.

The more of their time I waste, the fewer people they can harass.

Suldog said...

Hilarious, and clever. And a fun read for me, to boot. Thanks!

Polly said...

We do this too, it works at treat!

Anonymous said...

This is great!