Taking a Month Off.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I realize I haven't posted much recently regarding our ongoing fertility issues, but a few of you have sent me emails asking what's happening so I figured I would give you all an update. No, I am not pregnant and I thank all of you for the adorable emails from those of you who thought my lack of silence meant that I was. The reason I haven't written anything, is because nothing really has been going on. In short, we are taking a month off. Trust me, after all this you will be one of the first to know when I actually do finally conceive. You've gone this far with me, we're not stopping now.

A few weeks ago both my husband and I went through our final round of testing. As expected his results turned out normal, and not as expected, so did mine. There is no blockage, no thyroid, no hormonal issues. Nothing. This diagnosis was equally as hopeful as it was frustrating. I had my final sit down with the doc and the answer was pretty much the same, there is nothing really wrong, but it could take a few years of trying on our own to conceive again. There is no guarantee that once I go off the Clomid I will continue to cycle regularly and this would lead to a more increased risk of miscarriage, thus more trouble getting pregnant. The stress of that and the continued "trying" is more than we can take and our Dr. has suggested that we go forward with the more aggressive treatments.

We had planned on starting right away, but given that we are leaving for Thanksgiving and will be unable to stay in town continually for the next month we were forced to take a month off. I see this as a Godsend of sorts. Almost like a cleanse. I have one month where I don't even have to think about getting pregnant. No ultrasounds, no drugs, no sticks, no disappointing pregnancy test results, no crazy mood swings. None of it.

I plan on spending the holidays drinking wine, eating sushi, and I even snuck in a girl's weekend. One last hurrah we'll call it. Then in December we will begin our treatments. When I sat down with the nurse I was actually a bit shocked at how time consuming this all is going to be. I'm not concerned about my time, I have plenty of that. What is concerning is what I am going to do with the LM. Basically once we start the injections I will be having to go to the Dr. at least once a day for a few weeks for blood tests and ultrasounds, than when it is time for the insemination for two days in a row I have to be there at an exact time and depending on how many eggs there are we may have to do emergency IVF surgery with little or no notice. All these times and dates are completely dependent on my body and can't be scheduled in advance. This makes arranging childcare for my active LM virtually impossible. We have no family nearby, so we are going to have to rely heavily on our friends and sometimes I will have to bring the little guy with me. It's not ideal, but we don't see any other choice. Hopefully we will only have to do one or two months, this is what I'm crossing my fingers for.

I spent the last week feeling pretty frustrated. I fell back into that whole, "I'm only 30, we had no problems with the LM, why is this happening," feeling sorry for myself kind of place. I quickly snapped out of it. I have the LM, insurance is covering everything, if this is what it takes than this is what it takes. I consider myself to be very luck and if this is our journey so be it. At this point it is out of my hands.

I did come to a pretty big decision as well. My husband doesn't see it as quite as big (as it was always his plan) but for me it took a while to get there. This is it for us. I will do whatever it takes to have this next baby(s) but after that, no more. I refuse to go though this a third time, and there is no way I could fathom doing this with two or three children in tow. While I was always on the fence about baby number three (assuming I could convince the husband) I am on it no more. If we can have one more, than we are very, very lucky and there is no reason to add any more stress to our lives. A big family would be great, but it is just not in the cards for me.

So that's the update. I'll talk more when we actually begin the process. Again I thank all of you for your support and your emails. I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing month.

UPDATE:

A few minutes after I published this post, next month's drugs arrived in the mail. There must be 4 different kinds and there are just so many of them, all injections. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it.... I guess I forgot how much I hate needles.





10 comments :

Legally Brunette said...

Good luck, dear friend. I am glad you have a month of "you" time (well, you, LM and LM's dad time) because you have been through a lot in the last year and you deserve it. Know that you are in my prayers and let us know if we can ever help w/LM.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to your family as you continue this journey. The holidays are a perfect to time take a "stop" and just enjoy and be thankful for your wonderful life as it is. Have a wonderful trip and continue to take care of yourself throughout it all.

Grace in CO

The Missus said...

I had the same exact diagnosis as you... "Nothing's wrong. And because we can't pinpoint why you aren't conceiving, injectables and IVF may not work for you. We're just blindly doing this."

So I said, "No thanks." It is a huge time commitment. And I am in awe of anyone who chooses to continue with it after the clomid cycle. Because after the clomid, that is when I said, "Thanks! I'll take my chances naturally. And if it doesn't happen, it just isn't meant to be. I'll just be the rich lady with lots of shoes and no kids to pass them on to."

See... There is an upside! More money for trips and decorating tools for the LM!!!

Fingers crossed on the injectables. You are a very brave soul.

Sasha said...

You are so inspiring. I wish you all the luck in the world as you continue on this journey that will lead you, hopefully, to the baby you deserve.

Mari said...

I went through the same thing with my first - we took a month off before IVF and I got pregnant that month. I used to hate it when people (my mother) would tell me to just relax and it will happen - well to be honest I was really relaxed - enjoying my time with my husband, vacationing with friends and I got pregnant. Of course I still had all the clomid in my system...You never know. Good luck to you!

Polly said...

The hugest of hugs to you Yum, thinking of you lots and sending you lots of luck for this next step.

ThatGirl39 said...

You are very brave and very determined to go to the next steps and I have every admiration for you. Whilst I'm sure it must seem so daunting, remember you are made of strong stuff and it will all seem worth it when you are holding your baby (or babies) in the not too distant future. I will be thinking of you every step of the way and hoping that it all goes well. Meanwhile... enjoy your month off with your lovely family. hugs of the hugest kind to you my dear friend! xxx

Lulu said...

i'm a new reader -- love your blog! i also went through infertility treatments and can sympathize with the time committment involved, not to mention all of the needles, blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. some weeks i felt like i lived at the hospital. but it was all worth it b/c we're now expecting our first child! so hang in there and i will keep my fingers crossed that the drugs work as well for you as they did for me :)

Anonymous said...

Yep. I've got all those boxes too. My egg retrieval was yesterday, in fact. You are gonna be FINE. The needles are teeny and you will barely feel them. And if you ice the injection site, you won't feel anything. At least you have some control over infertility now. Hang in there - it is a hassle but it isn't as bad as you might think. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for taking a month off and regrouping. Smart idea... enjoy the holidays with as little stress as possible. The box o' drugs looks intimidating, but it's not as bad as it seems once you get started.

My 2nd box of IVF drugs should be arriving tomorrow.... and I too, will not cry. My IVF cycle did not work, and I found out the day before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, it wasn't a great holiday for me. Christmas will be just as stressful since I'll be starting the next round, but I really just want to get it over with, to be honest. Trying to stay positive and remember how lucky I already am.

Wishing you lots of success. Enjoy your break, and best of luck with your upcoming treatment. Happy holidays!